National Hangover Day Enacted

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SNARKY) -- An eleventh day has been added to the list of recognized federal holidays in legislation that President Bush signed into law this morning.

National Hangover Day will be observed on the Monday that immediately follows the Super Bowl to the relief of millions of Americans who over indulged the day before.

The legislation mandates that all federal buildings be closed and that postal services be suspended. In addition, financial markets, banks and public schools will also observe the holiday. But private employers will observe the holiday at their discretion, though it's sure to be almost universally adopted.

"Mercifully, National Hangover Day means that I don't have to crawl out of bed and go to work today," said Luke Penca, a consultant from Chicago, when reached by telephone. "Every fiber of my being still aches and I swear that my liver tried to bolt on me this morning. I've got to make some changes in my life!"

John H., another consultant from Chicago, added, "The game between the Steelers and Seahawks was so goddamn boring because they're two teams no one cares about despite the media's attempts to lionize Jerome Bettis. Jesus, even the much-hyped commercials were pretty lame this year so I had no recourse but to pound all those beers."

H. estimates that he had at least a dozen Miller Lites before halftime. "Plus, I had to have something to wash down all those Buffalo wings. Yes, I pity the poor son-of-a-bitch who sits next to me on the flight out to San Jose."

Logical Holiday

The Super Bowl is the most watched event in television with a domestic audience estimated around 160 million viewers. Many attend celebration parties and the environment leads to an over indulgence in food and alcohol. In turn, that excess leads to severe hangovers the next day which, ultimately, diminishes worker productivity.

"The nation was already taking a holiday anyway so it makes sense," said Carl Tannenbaum, Chief Economist at LaSalle Bank. "Of course, National Hangover Day means that now I'll have to wait another day to collect my winnings from the department's 'Squares' game."

For some, however, today is anything but a welcomed holiday -- it's their worst day of the year.

"We know it as 'Brown Monday' in the sewers and sanitation industry for obvious reasons," said Richard Rice, Chicago's Department of Water Management Commissioner. "Hell, I saw a grown man's colon float by this morning."

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