CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Looks like Kerry Wood will throw on Monday, a day later than originally expected. That means that I'll be there to see his arm break cleanly off his body after one pitch and land in the dugout. Greg Maddux will immediately pick the severed limb up and use it to destroy a water cooler before handing it over to Dusty Baker who will fashion it as a replacement toothpick as he serenely looks on at Wrigley Field.
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Friday, May 26
Wednesday, May 17
Higgason No-Hits Cubs in BP Debut
CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- In his major league debut with the Cubs, newly acquired batting practice pitcher Mike Higgason tossed 30 minutes of no-hit warm-ups before Wednesday's game.
Higgason, a 35-year-old left-hander who only played high school ball at Loyola Academy, threw batting practice for the offensively-challenged Cubs without allowing a single hit.
However, his perfect batting practice session was erased 22 minutes into the frame when Ronny Cedeno reached on Higgason's error.
"I got caught up in the screen in front of the mound and couldn't field [Cedeno's] dribbler cleanly," said Higgason. "Other than that one pitch, everything I threw found Blanco's mitt."
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Technorati: Chicago Cubs, Baseball, Satire, Lukateake
Higgason, a 35-year-old left-hander who only played high school ball at Loyola Academy, threw batting practice for the offensively-challenged Cubs without allowing a single hit.
However, his perfect batting practice session was erased 22 minutes into the frame when Ronny Cedeno reached on Higgason's error.
"I got caught up in the screen in front of the mound and couldn't field [Cedeno's] dribbler cleanly," said Higgason. "Other than that one pitch, everything I threw found Blanco's mitt."
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Technorati: Chicago Cubs, Baseball, Satire, Lukateake
Tuesday, May 2
And Then There Were Two
CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- There is a circle of friends that numbers six, in no particular order: Kevin, Andy, Rick, Zoom, John and yours truly. The other five welcomed me to Chicago the very first week after Y2K and we've been through a lot together in the intervening years. We are most remembered, scarlet letter-marked if you'll allow me the indulgence, as being "Those Guys."
Those Guys? You know, Those Guys who come into a party and take it over: affable and gregarious, conversationalists who are complete drunkards; ones who wind up breaking the stereo -- accidentally -- and no one seems to care. From their eventful entrance to their dramatic departure, it's a riveting, entertaining experience when Those Guys have the room.
The status quo abruptly ended when two members announced their respective engagements on the very same weekend in the summer of 2003. Incidentally, I also got engaged that very same weekend, granted it was only a five-year commitment to car payments, but still my longest relationship yet.
Zoom B. would marry Jodi the following spring and Rick M. would wed Katie shortly thereafter. At the M.'s wedding reception, there was to be one of the most bizarre ice sculpture defacements in memory. Again, Those Guys were blamed. (I'm such a bad friend that I still owe a wedding gift to the M. family. As well as the dry cleaning bill for the entire wedding party and other dignitaries; sorry, Grandma M.)
But I digress, soon after the two weddings; another domino toppled when Kevin K. proposed to Amy and got hitched in late 2004. For those of you scoring at home (and some aren't because they're married), tie game: 3-3.
For the last year and a half there has been relative calm in the group as the no voting bloc had a majority.
That balance was upended this past weekend when John H. announced his engagement to Lisa. However, here's the change-up: I absolutely approve of their union despite what an outside observer would see as the death knell for Those Guys. For you see, despite changes in marital status, we're still Those Guys.
Hell, the very engagement party was one Flip Cup and Boone's wine-stained affair. And I guarantee everyone wore a smile on their face. At least until John had to mop up the kitchen floor the next morning.
So today Those Guys remain very much intact, however, there is a new twist in the current dynamic: all of us can make a legitimate claim to be Hank's Best Man.
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Those Guys? You know, Those Guys who come into a party and take it over: affable and gregarious, conversationalists who are complete drunkards; ones who wind up breaking the stereo -- accidentally -- and no one seems to care. From their eventful entrance to their dramatic departure, it's a riveting, entertaining experience when Those Guys have the room.
The status quo abruptly ended when two members announced their respective engagements on the very same weekend in the summer of 2003. Incidentally, I also got engaged that very same weekend, granted it was only a five-year commitment to car payments, but still my longest relationship yet.
Zoom B. would marry Jodi the following spring and Rick M. would wed Katie shortly thereafter. At the M.'s wedding reception, there was to be one of the most bizarre ice sculpture defacements in memory. Again, Those Guys were blamed. (I'm such a bad friend that I still owe a wedding gift to the M. family. As well as the dry cleaning bill for the entire wedding party and other dignitaries; sorry, Grandma M.)
But I digress, soon after the two weddings; another domino toppled when Kevin K. proposed to Amy and got hitched in late 2004. For those of you scoring at home (and some aren't because they're married), tie game: 3-3.
For the last year and a half there has been relative calm in the group as the no voting bloc had a majority.
That balance was upended this past weekend when John H. announced his engagement to Lisa. However, here's the change-up: I absolutely approve of their union despite what an outside observer would see as the death knell for Those Guys. For you see, despite changes in marital status, we're still Those Guys.
Hell, the very engagement party was one Flip Cup and Boone's wine-stained affair. And I guarantee everyone wore a smile on their face. At least until John had to mop up the kitchen floor the next morning.
So today Those Guys remain very much intact, however, there is a new twist in the current dynamic: all of us can make a legitimate claim to be Hank's Best Man.
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