Dear Mom and Dad,
I've met this really great girl at work. Unfortunately, she broke up my marriage and I know how much you liked my former wife. Anyway, I've decided to put my career on hold and follow her around for awhile. But before you worry too much, I've saved up a little money to support us both since she's currently just a volunteer and not getting paid for her efforts.
She also has two children by different fathers who are no longer involved in the children's lives. Also, while this letter may not be the best way to tell you such important news, I don't know how to tell you otherwise: she's pregnant with my baby.
I know, I know -- we're not married. I know that you don't approve of that and you're probably thinking that I've been duped like the small-town Midwestern boy that I am. But I really like Angie and I think that we can really be happy together. Plus, she's got a great body, not that that is important but I'll mention it nonetheless.
Anyway, I've got to go as we're heading to Africa in the morning so she can have the kid.
Your son,
Bradley
Saturday, June 24
Monday, June 19
Tribune, Anheuser Develop Sport For Wayward Cubs Fans
CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Timing their announcement perfectly, The Tribune Company and Anheuser Busch today unveiled plans for a new sport for downtrodden Cubs fans. Though details are few it is known that the league will begin play in June and continue through August when football can safely take over.
"We're looking for a vehicle to carry these poor souls through the summer frankly," said Tony Ponturo, vice president of Global Media and Sports Marketing at Anheuser Busch. "Bad baseball doesn't equal more alcohol consumption despite what people may initially believe -- frustration ruins the palatte for our product."
Nature of the Game
With a three month league slated, complete with nationwide WGN radio and television coverage, it's still unclear as to how the actual game will be played. However, that is of little consequence as it turns out.
Quoting a Tribune representative who asked to remain anonymous, "Our best market research indicates that all demographics don't care as long as it doesn't include a glove, a ball and Dusty Baker."
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Technorati: Chicago Cubs, Tribune, Dusty Baker, Satire, Lukateake
"We're looking for a vehicle to carry these poor souls through the summer frankly," said Tony Ponturo, vice president of Global Media and Sports Marketing at Anheuser Busch. "Bad baseball doesn't equal more alcohol consumption despite what people may initially believe -- frustration ruins the palatte for our product."
Nature of the Game
With a three month league slated, complete with nationwide WGN radio and television coverage, it's still unclear as to how the actual game will be played. However, that is of little consequence as it turns out.
Quoting a Tribune representative who asked to remain anonymous, "Our best market research indicates that all demographics don't care as long as it doesn't include a glove, a ball and Dusty Baker."
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Technorati: Chicago Cubs, Tribune, Dusty Baker, Satire, Lukateake
Wednesday, June 7
ABC, CBS, NBC, ADHDtv.
CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder television -- where every episode is only five minutes in length. That's enough time to tell the story, but not too long as to abuse the audience's short attention span.
Because who really has time to devote a half-hour to some contrived situation comedy let alone an hour to a pseudo-reality contestant show? Let's keep it to 300 seconds people as that's all that we're really interested in.
We're talking cold openings, dropping the viewer right into the action without all the elaborate exposition. Add to that quick, escalating dialog that pulses with the 180-beats per minute score.
And don't wait a week to deliver an episode either, instead make one available every three days. Plus, put it on the Internet so my Tivo can download it and I can watch it whenever I want.
My first idea for a series on ADHDtv: two teenage characters named Ritalen[sic] and Adderhal[sic] struggle to find themselves in Albuquerque, New Mexico. The only problem is that they're in Hell but they don't know it.
Hollywood, I'm available now.
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Technorati: Hollywood, ADHD, Satire, Lukateake
Because who really has time to devote a half-hour to some contrived situation comedy let alone an hour to a pseudo-reality contestant show? Let's keep it to 300 seconds people as that's all that we're really interested in.
We're talking cold openings, dropping the viewer right into the action without all the elaborate exposition. Add to that quick, escalating dialog that pulses with the 180-beats per minute score.
And don't wait a week to deliver an episode either, instead make one available every three days. Plus, put it on the Internet so my Tivo can download it and I can watch it whenever I want.
My first idea for a series on ADHDtv: two teenage characters named Ritalen[sic] and Adderhal[sic] struggle to find themselves in Albuquerque, New Mexico. The only problem is that they're in Hell but they don't know it.
Hollywood, I'm available now.
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Technorati: Hollywood, ADHD, Satire, Lukateake
Monday, June 5
God Caught Napping on the Job
Friday, June 2
LiveStrong But Just Not This Long
CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- It's true, I wore the LiveStrong bracelet two summers ago when they were the fashion accessory. Hell, I even wore it last year when Lance won his seventh Tour de France because I liked the contrast between its yellow band and my tanned olive skin. That and I liked cycling before it became cool to do so.
By then my friends thought that I was holding on a little too long. But really I was holding on long enough for the inevitable surge in popularity before bowing out gracefully on a high-note for a polyvinyl-chloride loop that cost me less than two dollars.
Once I removed my own bracelet I did an about-face and began belittling those who continued to wear them. I thought of them as posers and uninformed ones at that.
But it was really I who was uninformed because as I recently lobbed an epithet at someone wearing the LiveStrong it occurred to me that this person may actually have cancer. I was so caught up in what the bracelet had become that I forgot for which it really stood.
Jesus, I'm an asshole!
To those friends of mine (and you know who you are), if I still had my LiveStrong bracelet I'd wear it for you as a sign of solidarity.
Now about that white Iowa Hawkeye bracelet of mine, well that's a different story.
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Technorati: Chicago, LiveStrong, Cancer, Lukateake
By then my friends thought that I was holding on a little too long. But really I was holding on long enough for the inevitable surge in popularity before bowing out gracefully on a high-note for a polyvinyl-chloride loop that cost me less than two dollars.
Once I removed my own bracelet I did an about-face and began belittling those who continued to wear them. I thought of them as posers and uninformed ones at that.
But it was really I who was uninformed because as I recently lobbed an epithet at someone wearing the LiveStrong it occurred to me that this person may actually have cancer. I was so caught up in what the bracelet had become that I forgot for which it really stood.
Jesus, I'm an asshole!
To those friends of mine (and you know who you are), if I still had my LiveStrong bracelet I'd wear it for you as a sign of solidarity.
Now about that white Iowa Hawkeye bracelet of mine, well that's a different story.
# # #
Technorati: Chicago, LiveStrong, Cancer, Lukateake
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