Tuesday, February 28

Laissez Le Bon Temps Rouler

NEW ORLEANS (SNARKY) -- It's Fat Tuesday, which followed my Lundi Gras. And Dimanche Gras. And ... I'm sensing a trend here.

Revelry and debauchery just don't hold the same appeal for me that they once did, last week. Damn, I'm getting old and unfunny all in a matter of days.

I feel Lukateake jumped-the-shark with the "Pr0n" post and I pushed the envelope too far. In my eagerness to slaughter the sacred cattle, I crossed a line with you, the reader. I am truly sorry for my transgression.

So I've been avoiding the blog responsibilities for a few days in the hopes of distancing myself from that turning point of a post. I hoped to come up with something (anything!) new and spectacularly creative that would put my past intransigence to rest. But I'm afraid it was to no avail, unfortunately. All I could muster were a few tepid, pathetic entries concerning items of no consequence.

And that's the vagaries of wit it would seem. As they depart me, I'm left with a foreboding sense of cynicism; neither dashing ten-dollar words to save the day nor shearing profanities to breathe life into words on the page, just the cold gloom of grey rain clouds.

The melancholy hangs all around me today but I know that seeing a tittie tonight would go a long way towards erasing that. (Didn't see that coming now did you? Lukateake lives.)

Laissez Le Bon Temps Rouler!

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Monday, February 27

Everybody Hurts Sometime

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Go ahead and mark your calendars, Sox fans ... and if you're a Sox fan, what the hell are you doing over here in the first place?

Frank Thomas, a.k.a. the Big DL, returns to Chicago on May 22nd and, assumming he's not on disabled list by then, will promptly get a baseball between the shoulder blades. That's what Ken Williams, the Sox general manager, does to idiots around these parts, ya hear?

Seriously, I can't think of a more perfect couple than these two, Thomas and Williams. They're Major League Baseball's version of the Odd Couple and, unfortunately, the barbs between the two will have to catch a two-time zone flight. Nevertheless, their war of words is the perfect distraction to the continued speculation as to the health of Kerry Wood and Mark Prior.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to head over to that bastion of MLB reporting, Myspace.com: Mark Prior's bogus profile.

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Weekend Sinks Blog, Changes Planned

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- A Chicago man awoke this morning to realize that he had neglected his blog all weekend, a fact he hopes not to recreate anytime soon.

"Last week was exhausting and it's not like anyone checks 'Lukateake' on the weekend anyway," said a beleaguered Luke Penca. "In fact, no one checks it during the week either."

However, Penca has a plan to win his audience back.

"I'm stealing ideas from other blogs that I like and as the old saw goes, 'imitation is the sincerest form a flattery.'"

Changes will include a new web address (again), new contributors, subscription services for readers and an ambitious new revenue-sharing model for all.

A formal announcement is expected later this week.

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Friday, February 24

Blog Reduces Author's 'Pr0n' Consumption

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Advertising revenue at two pornography web sites is down dramatically thanks to Luke Penca's infatuation with his blog "Lukateake" and Myspace.com.

"Ego has completely supplanted my sexual desires," said a tense and uptight Penca. "When I expend so much energy trying to be funny, there's nothing left for 'The Captain'," said Penca, referring to the name given to his penis by a college girlfriend.

Incidentally, the moniker "The Captain" is an unfortunate coincidence for Penca as it's also the nickname of one of his closest friends. Added Penca, "Every time someone yells out 'The Captain', I have to check that my zipper is up."

Sites affected by Penca's non-patronage include TheHun.net and Perfect10.com, a site referred to him by his roommate, Chris T.

"Perfect 10 is losing money on both ends," said T. "On one hand, they're not getting the advertising revenue [Penca] generates while on the expense side, they're engaged in a nasty legal battle with Google concerning fair-use thumbnail images."

Pornography or "pr0n" (pronounced "prawn") in geek-speak, has always been a profitable enterprise on the Internet. The advent of web logs has somewhat diminished that trend as bloggers seek gratification through personal publishing.

The Perfect 10 site is supported through subscription fees which helps offset the financial impact when viewers turn elsewhere. However, The Hun's revenue is entirely advertising supported.

"When we lose eyeballs, we lose money," said an emailed response from the Netherlands-based company. "But, frankly, we're not concerned about Penca, he'll be back. They always come back."

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Thursday, February 23

Apple Celebrates 1B iTunes, World Domination


PALO ALTO, Calif. (SNARKY) -- Just after midnight this morning, Apple's music store sold its one-billionth iTune. Shortly thereafter, an ominous "Muwahahaha" could be heard echoing from behind CEO Steve Jobs' office door.

It took less than three years to reach the milestone as iTunes and its accompanying and all-too-ubiquitous iPod became bona fide cultural phenomena. There are more than 21 million active iTunes users according to the market research firm Nielsen/Netratings and nearly all of those listeners are going deaf.

"Our plan all along was to subjugate the 'influentiati'," said Jobs, dressed as a modern day Mao in his customary black turtleneck. "We've captured the innovators and early adopters and subsequently deafened them. Without hearing ability, they're now collectively my bitch and it's only a matter of time until the laggards fall into lock-step, too."

Cultural meme

Theorists contend that the iPod-iTunes tandem represents far more than a new form of music sales channel but rather a lifestyle complete with values and beliefs.

Critics argue that Apple has deliberately and meticulously constructed this cultural niche to coincide with socioeconomic trappings that reinforce a sense of "cool". Those that have it are in, while those who don't are on the outside looking in.

"I can't tell you the last time I even talked to someone with a Rio," said Luke Penca, an Apple devotee who estimates he has purchased a half dozen iPods and more than 1,000 iTunes. "Apple may be heavy-handed and I may be subservient to them but they're still the gold standard of cultural cache."

When asked what the one billion mark meant to him, Penca said, "Well, I haven't seen this sort of blatant self-aggrandizing since those '99 Billion Served' billboards over at McDonald's."

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Killer TV Tonight

ORANJESTAD, Aruba (SNARKY) -- Killer television tonight: Joran van der Sloot gives an exclusive interview to ABC News' "Primetime". I predict a veritable slaying of NBC's Olympics because that's what happens to those who oppose the brooding Dutch teen.

Van der Sloot is the prime suspect in the disappearance of promising honor student cum shark food Natalee Holloway. Jesus, why do we still care and why won't this nine month story die already?

It is because the networks know that a blonde girl in distress in an island paradise is ratings gold. Oh, and Holloway's mother, Beth Twitty, and her minions have adroitly worked the media to keep the story prominent. The mass communication theory of "agenda setting" has its fingerprints all over this case.

This is how to run a missing person campaign in the Information Age: issue press releases, serve up delectable sound bites, in other words, do real reporters' jobs for them. The upside is a system receptive to the cause.

The Holloway story has consumed so much air time it's ridiculous. Never mind the other 2,300 adults and children approximately who go missing -- everyday. God help those who aren't blonde haired and blue eyed! If you're black or Hispanic there's almost no hope of any meaningful media coverage of your disappearance.

I feel sorry for Beth Twitty, I really do. But her daughter, naive and irresponsible, made some poor choices that fateful night. Her body, presumably dumped in the ocean, will never be found. And if there is no body, there is no murder. And if there is no murder, there is no killer.

And if there is no killer, then why the hell am I watching ABC tonight?

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Wednesday, February 22

FEMA: Rebuild Levees With Basedow Hair

Fitness Celebrity John Basedow
NEW ORLEANS (SNARKY) -- Michael Chertoff, the embattled head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, has an ambitious new plan to reconstruct the levees around New Orleans.

"John Basedow's hair is the perfect material from which to construct the levees," said the balding Chertoff. "It's widely known to be 'hurricane proof', which our testing confirmed, so it's the logical choice."

Basedow began his career as a fitness model where he honed his coif's weather resistant properties.

"There was plenty of time for hair and makeup," said the shirtless Basedow. "To this day, I've never been in a wardrobe truck."

In addition to supporting the levee reconstruction effort, Basedow is an entrepreneur and commercials for his Fitness Made Simple program run late at night on third-tier cable channels.

However, Basedow is most famous for introducing a new term to the American lexicon: fitness celebrity. No one is quite sure what the hell it means but they do know that Basedow is the only one designated as such.

A timeline to begin harvesting Basedow's prodigious 70s-styled hair has yet to be released.

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Tuesday, February 21

Skater Haters

TURIN, Italy (SNARKY) -- Those delicious spaghetti westerns have nothing on these Winter Olympics. Both come complete with white hats and black hats; good guys and bad guys.

For almost a week now, NBC has been concocting a rivalry between two U.S. speed skaters, Shani Davis and Chad Hedrick. Every interviewer has taken quotes out of context, the talking heads have lead with hyperbolic statements and the poor athletes themselves have been swept up in the moment.

Nevertheless, I must admit that this plot arc is pretty juicy, even for savvy media consumers, but we should know better by now.

First there was the team pursuit event in which Davis didn't partake in order to focus on his individual events later in the week, the events for which he came to Italy in the first place. Via the media, Hedrick assailed Davis' decision to decline the pursuit.

Hedrick went on to win gold in the men's 5000 meter and headlines splashed across the broadsheets read: Hedrick 1, Davis 0. This was getting personal.

Davis responded on Saturday with his own gold medal in the 1000 meter and in the process, knocked Hedrick from the podium. For those scoring at home (or even if you're alone): 1-1, a gold apiece.

The plot thickened again with Erin Andrews' infamous interview of Davis just after he won the gold. It's a case study in how to handle a hostile interviewee. But can one really blame Davis after all the rhetoric and vitriol during the build up to the race? I can't, choosing to remember that Davis is just a kid and NBC's minaret after all.

So Davis and Hedrick may not get along as teammates but that's hardly a rarity at these games and in the broader sports climate. Exhibit A: Terrell Owens.

Yes, good guys and bad guys; a black athlete and a white athlete. A tough, inner-city kid juxtaposed against the boy-next-door Texan -- racism, classism and the kitchen sink, too! Thank you, NBC, for such contrived and stereotypical characters.

This is all just the back story that brings us up to today's event at the Oval: the 1,500-meter skate. Davis is the short distance master pitted against Hedrick, the long distance specialist.

This is the showdown, a real shootout at the "Oval" corral. One man would be the victor and the other swallowed up in defeat. Protagonist set against his antagonist.

A funny thing happened on the way to Olympic victory for these two men. They (and us) became so consumed in one another that they failed to account for the rest of the competition. Italian Enrico Fabris will wear the weird CD-looking gold medal of the men's 1500-meter champion.

As an aside, Davis was second and Hedrick was third in the race but neither of those medals is likely to serve as consolation to these two athletes. As much as the media stressed their differences, Davis and Hedrick are the same in one regard: they both lost today.

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Yuppie Food Stamps, Credit Card Roulette

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Guess who's coming to dinner? Former President Andrew Jackson.

On a typical Friday night, my friends and I are enjoying some new restaurant and regaling one another with stories from our week. And, like clockwork, when the check comes everyone invariably pulls out their crisp clean $20 bills fresh from the ATM. The yuppie equivalent of food stamps.

A foreigner might think that American currency only comes in one denomination and it in this part of the city, it does really. The ATMs are almost exclusively filled with yuppie food stamps.

Back at the restaurant, when everyone has the same bills and needs change, the waitress just rolls her eyes as though she's seen this a million times before. She graciously makes change for us because her tip is still hanging in the balance.

When she returns, somehow those Hamiltons and Lincolns just don't make it back into my pocket because they're never there when I need them for cabs and drinks later. And I can't be certain the last time I saw a Washington in circulation.

In fact, it's gotten so bad that when friends ask me how a particular restaurant might be for a date, I quote the price as such: "Oh, Japonais? Dinner for two plus a bottle of wine will set you back 10 stamps."

So how do I break my reoccurring dinner date with Jackson? It's simple, go to an entirely wagered form of payment: credit card roulette.

The game is played with every participant throwing their card into the center of the table and then letting the server choose one to pick up the entire tab. To mitigate bias, shuffling is allowed or a napkin can be used to obscure the view during selection.

So what's the allure of this new form of payment?

Quoting an Irish friend, Rowland S., "Dinner with friends is good. Gambling is good. Add the two together and it's goddamn fantastic!"

Unless of course you lose, which I do routinely.

"Bigger groups, bigger tabs, less individual risk," offered Larry V., formerly of Chicago. V. has an unprecedented streak of good fortune going as he hasn't lost game of roulette yet. "When I'm out with friends now, I order the filet because I know that I'm not going to have to pay for it!"

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Monday, February 20

Wheat Glutton, er, Gluten

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- My grandmother, bless her heart, asks too many questions. (She also doesn't read my blog so I can get away with this post. Shhhh!)

Nearly twenty-five years ago this past Thanksgiving, my parents, brothers, sisters and I played a joke on Grandma's inquisitiveness. We knew that she would always ask her daughter-in-law, my mother, just what was in the dishes being served. Grandma didn't do it to be nosey and she was probably just making polite conversation but it infuriated Mom to no end.

So, in advance of my grandmother's arrival that year, each family member memorized a different ingredient to that magical foodstuff, Wonder Bread. This way when Grandma, herself a glutton for punishment, asked the inevitable question we could have a unified family response. The trap was set.

And it didn't take long after we sat down to dinner to spring it on her.

Receiving a passed casserole, Grandma looked down, scrutinized the dish in her hands, and asked: "Ooooh, what's in this dish?"

Without missing a beat, my father began, "Enriched flour."

My mother: "High fructose corn syrup."

My oldest sister, Julie: "Yeast extracts."

My brother, Edward: "Dicalcium phosphate."

My sister, Kathy: "Monoglycerides."

My brother, Jeff: "Vinegar."

My brother, Michael: "Soybean oil."

Myself: "Salt."

My youngest sister, Caroline: "And wheeeeeeat gluten!"

The way Caroline, a three year-old, lingered on and relished that one joyous syllable; it was the coup-de-grĂ¢ce. Grandma never asked what was in another dish.

That wonderful childhood memory is so vividly etched in my mind that it seems like it happened only yesterday. So it's with more than passing interest that I read about the growing brouhaha over McDonald's french fries and the disclosure that they contain wheat gluten.

Apparently, there are more than two million Americans who suffer from celiac disease which is an intolerance for glutens, institutional violence and wearing white slacks after Labor Day. And they eat the french fries.

Reading up at celiac.com, it appears that diarrhea is about the most severe side-effect that could befall people with this "illness" and already dozens have filed suit against the Arches. Some are asking for unspecified damages but is there an injury beyond some ruined white slacks?

The people filing suits are greedy. There's no real injury here. It's not as though they could have died from ingesting a french fry. Well, they could possibly if they ate copious amounts of them and developed heart disease but that's a different story. No, these people are greedy bastards their greed is analogous to gluttony.

Come on, aren't there more pressing diseases that need to be litigated through the courts first? I vote for that new condition they've just started running commercials for: Restless Leg Syndrome. (I swear it exists. Supposedly.)

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Sunday, February 19

Bode 'Miller Time'

TURIN, Italy (SNARKY) –- Somebody get Bode Miller a beer, please.

Miller, the American favorite to win a multiple medals in men's downhill, is 0-for-3 in these Olympics. And apparently sober on the slopes.

His impressive one-legged skiing after clipping a gate in the super-G yesterday could only be accomplished by someone who wasn't drunk. While he may have aced the ultimate in field sobriety tests, Miller failed to finish yet another event in which a medal was within his reach.

After the acrobatic skiing, Miller veered off course and missed successive gates before leisurely making his way down and across the line. This reporter was unable to gauge Miller's diction as he wordlessly skied away from the finish area but the sweet smell of bourbon was noticeably absent.

And, Bode, spare us the neo-hippinism that medals don't matter to you. The Playmates you've been canoodling with won't commune in New Hampshire. Those ladies, my friend, require the financing of some serious endorsement money and that money only follows success on the slopes.

With the giant slalom and slalom left, Miller can still leave next week with a pair of medals but only if he races them inebriated or at least with a throbbing hangover.

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Saturday, February 18

Friend Begrudgingly 'Kudos' Blog

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Friends, family and readers of a Chicago man's web log have been forced at emailpoint to acknowledge the blog's satire and wit irrespective of its humor or lack thereof.

Luke Penca, 30, of Wicker Park, has been dropping not so subtle hints to his readers to leave favorable comments.

"I get it, there's a post everyday," said Ve B., a former friend of Penca. "If [the post] is not [funny], why should I delude [Penca] into thinking [it is]," continued B. with the largest quantity of ambiguous articles of speech possible in a quote. "I just paid him a compliment because he cornered me. I wish he'd stop the insanity."

However, Penca is persistent and won't go quietly.

"I need feedback like I need air," said the melodramatic Penca. "This is my only creative outlet in an existence otherwise devoid of it. So I'm going to stay at the blog until I'm unemployed, penniless and no longer funny."

Blog experts expect that to come sooner rather than later.

"Seriously, how many quotes can he fake and still be relevant," said attorney Drew V., himself a former friend of Penca until the blog severed their friendship. "At some point relatively soon, by arguing everything beyond the point of absurdity, he will have alienated everyone close to him. And then, mercifully, the blog will dry up."

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Friday, February 17

Miracle on Ice? No, Tragedy

CHICAGO (SNARKY) –- He may lack a sequined outfit like Johnny Weir and he probably couldn't land a triple-axel to save his life, but Chris T. feels at home on the ice as any figure skater in Torino, Italy.

That is why the news of a torn knee ligament and an Olympic dream deflated was so crushing to the Chicago man.

During a preliminary skate at the Millennium Park rink, T. fell awkwardly injuring his knee. His skating partner and girlfriend, Nina G., was unhurt in the Valentine's Day fall.

An MRI at Northwestern Memorial Hospital yesterday revealed a severed meniscus and other related damage to the T.'s right knee.

"It appears as though my Olympic figure skating career is over before it ever really began," said a decidedly-heterosexual T. as he iced his leg. He continued with the ubiquitous Seinfeld quote: "I'm not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that."

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Cartoon Network Orders 'Mohammed' Series

ATLANTA (SNARKY) – Riding the coattails of the controversial Danish depictions of the prophet Mohammed, The Cartoon Network has ordered 13 episodes of a new animated series, "Mohammed, Infidel Fighter".

The Atlanta-based network, long famous for its round-the-clock cartoons and stoner audience, has stepped bravely into the international fracas with its green-lighting of "Mohammed".

"We feel that there's no such thing as bad publicity," said Mike Lazzo, senior vice president of programming and production. "Not only is everyone talking about it but people are literally dying over it. So we thought we could and should capitalize off [the controversy]."

Details of the crime-fighting series were largely unavailable; however, the network did promise some interesting gimmicks.

"When you can't illustrate the main character, you've got to think outside the box," said Lazzo, using the tired management locution.

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You Say 'Torino', I Say 'Tomato'

TURIN, Italy (SNARKY) –- Read the fucking dateline, Dick Ebersol. It's Turin, as in "The Shroud Of". The only Torino I know is a Ford Grand Torino that lacks an engine and is rusting quietly in my grandfather's barn back in Iowa.

Ebersol is the chairman of NBC Sports and the man responsible for the Olympic-sized confusion. His unilateral decision to rename the northern Italy city to Torino for this year's Olympics has caused considerable consternation around the world.

To wit, I know that both names are acceptable to the Italians but make a goddamn decision, people. But how pretentious do we have to be to keep two names on the stove? Probably as pretentious as the NBC honcho whose belief that "Torino" would sell better in this country than the guttural-sounding "Turin".

Well, Ebersol and the rest of the NBC gang, the fact remains that it doesn't matter what the name of the city is that's playing host. Ratings are down significantly, while the broadcast rights are the most expensive ever. And with the Internet today, would-be viewers can get all the details of who-won-what hours before the network eats up two weeks of more profitable primetime television.

Grab a globe and the reader will see that the majority of people below the 40th parallel don't give a damn about the Winter Olympics in the first place. Snow and ice are decidedly not gold south of the Mason-Dixon Line, where the term winter is used very loosely.

So Olympics be damned. In the meantime, I'm queuing up to see the shroud here in "Turin", Dick. I'll have a little time on my hands because it won't go on display to the public until 2025.

That's probably the year that the Torino will pull a Mustang or Charger and be back in vogue with midlife-crises-having-50-year-olds.

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Thursday, February 16

Who's Your (Hoosier) Savior? Alford

IOWA CITY, Iowa (SNARKY) – Now that Indiana basketball coach Mike Davis is stepping aside at the end of this disappointing season, it's clear who the Hoosiers have in their succession sights: former All-American and alum, Steve Alford.

Alford is currently the coach of the Iowa Hawkeyes who sit atop the Big Ten conference standings with four games left to play. The team, a loose band of second-tier recruits, is on the cusp of their first Big Ten championship since the 1970s.

What a perfect storyline for the Hoosiers' resurrection. The game was perfected at Indiana and a storied history awaits the next coach. Local boy makes good, returns home for the salad days of life. Cue the Hollywood music, right? Wrong.

Steve Alford is not a savior. And he's not exactly new to the messianic expectations being placed upon him, either. Ask any Hawkeye fan about his tenure at Iowa and the verdict is damning.

In his six previous seasons there, the much-heralded coach has exactly two NCAA appearances and two 20-win teams to his credit. His career winning percentage is a pedestrian .570 prior to this season.

But the lowest moment of Alford's stewardship was the Pierre Pierce debacle and the stains that player's actions placed on the Hawkeyes. Pierce is currently serving a two-year sentence for burglary and assaulting his former girlfriend. At the time of those incidents, Pierce had been reinstated to the team by Alford despite ongoing legal entanglements.

So seven years on, the Hawkeye basketball program is rudderless and largely relegated as an "also ran" in the conference, this anomaly of a season notwithstanding. Alford's navigation of the waters put Iowa on the rocks.

It is ironic that there has been a growing chorus calling for Alford's ouster at Iowa to only now realize that he'll be poached and taken back to Indiana. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

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Cubs Spring Training Opens With A Yawn

MESA, Arizona (SNARKY) -- Rip Van Winkle and I never had so much in common as this past off season and I'm not talking about our impressive beards.

Cub fans' only prescription for the nagging pain of the White Sox championship was to go to sleep. We wanted to fall asleep so quickly that we could pretend it was all just a silly dream. Or nightmare as it was for Northsiders.

Today the faithful can finally awake as pitchers and catchers begin spring workouts. And as we rub the sleep from our collective eyes, it's time to ponder the new season before us and catch up on what we missed during our slumber.

Lead off hitter? Check. Bullpen help? Check. A new shortstop? Furcal and Tejada play elsewhere. Kerry Wood? We don't know yet and don't care. Dusty Baker? Checkmate, his departure is a foregone conclusion.

This year is already different in the lack of buzz around this team and the muted expectations. We should embrace that listlessness and apathy because that way we're turning convention on its ugly head. We have to aim low because recent teams have consistently proven to us that they cannot handle the limelight.

I love the Cubs and it kills me to feel this way already before the first pitch of the season has even hit the opponent between the shoulder blades. But I'm not stupid.

Perhaps, there will be a star rise from our midst like Derrek Lee did last year. The Tribune Co. seems to think that it'll be the renovated bleachers and I can get behind that. At least the bleachers can hit better than .215 with only 31 extra base hits in almost 500 plate appearances. And the bleachers cover the whole damn outfield, too.

So get a pot of coffee brewed, this snoozer of season is just around the corner.

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Wednesday, February 15

'Da Vinci Code' Eclipses Bible's Readership

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- In a stunning upset for Christianity's good book, "The Da Vinci Code" has supplanted the Holy Bible as the world's most widely read book.

"Jesus, who hasn't read a copy by now?" asked Dan Brown, the book's author, before answering his own question: "Other than Jesus H. Christ himself, he's the only one that comes to mind."

The Holy Bible has reigned supreme atop annual readership lists since literally the Dark Ages. However, it has failed to keep pace with modern secular readers who wanted suspense and intrigue instead of a book many feel has become too preachy.

"In many respects, 'Code' has become a modern religion unto itself," said Luke Penca, a religious historian. "People so fervently believe in this book's twists, turns and pseudo-history that they've suspended all rational thought."

In full disclosure, Penca proudly claims that he has not read the book because he will not cower to the whims of others. Nevertheless, the book is seemingly contagious elsewhere.

"'The Da Vinci Code' is downright viral and it spreads through your social network like a goddamn communicable disease," said Kevin K., a Chicago banker. "My wife got me hooked on it and now I'll probably have to read 'Angels and Demons'," referring to Brown's prequel.

Even Gideon International has taken notice of the shift and begun replacing the millions of their Bibles in hotel rooms with soft cover versions of Brown's book in the hopes of broadening their appeal to today's reader.

A representative for the Nashville-based sect could not be contacted because of their secretive nature and deliberately vague website.

Additionally, further erosion of the Bible's marketshare is expected later this year when a "Code" film adaptation is released. Meanwhile, Christ hasn't had a successful English-language movie since "Jesus Christ Superstar" in the 1970s and that was based on the acclaimed Broadway musical of the same name.

Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" is not eligible for consideration because it was subtitled from Aramaic and Hebrew. That decision may have hindered the film's $1 gazillion worldwide gross.

However, skeptics challenge the staying power of "The Da Vinci Code". Will the Holy Bible will return to the top position in next year's list? It's doubtful as the early buzz is on a series of books about a young wizard from Hogwarts.

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With Apologies to Chris Farley, "Holy Schnikes!"

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- This is it! I'm on the road to self-sufficiency now, baby!

I just logged into my Google Adsense account and saw that I've finally broken through and earned my first penny from this blog. In the immortal words of Chris Farley, the fattest comic of my generation, "Holy Schnikes!"

Of course, I was "too sick" to go to work today and earn several thousand pennies doing my real job. But where's the fun in doing that? This is the Internet and its possibilities are endless. Well, maybe not endless but can we agree that the continuum is pretty expansive? (Almost as expansive as Farley's waistline? Alright, alright! I'll ease up on him but he had so much talent it's tragic and biting wit is how I deal with tragedy.)

Anyway, I give myself a 50-50 chance that I'm not destitute by the end of the week. Likewise, if I do make it big, it's probably a more palpable 99.999 percent that I don't wind up dead of an overdose on the 60th floor of the Hancock building.

This is one Iowa boy who's just happy to be here, folks. And damn thankful for everything that comes his way. Farley was a comic genius once but now is little more than a cautionary tale for up-and-comers.

Happy Would-Have-Been-Your-42nd-Birthday, Christopher. R.I.P.

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Tuesday, February 14

Hussein: "I'm Going Hungry"

BAGHDAD (SNARKY) -- I'm joining Saddam's hunger strike, too. Not as a show of solidarity to the deposed Iraqi dictator, but because I could stand to lose the few extra pounds that I amassed this winter. Come summertime, I hope to be svelte and lithe again so I can freely partake in activities at the beach. Meanwhile, Saddam probably just hopes for his freedom.

Saddam Hussein and I have a lot in common, incidentally. He grew a shaggy beard to evade his pursuers, while I grew a beard to advertise. He loves Mars bars, while I have a similar weakness for chocolate. And, he ruled 25 million under his tyranny; well, I've got this blog, damnit.

And we both do killer Chris Cornell impersonations.

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Secret Relationship Exposed on Valentine's Day

CHICAGO (SNARKY) – A Chicago man made a startling confession today admitting to having a secret companion for the last decade, unbeknownst to his girlfriends during that time.

Luke Penca, 30, disclosed that the union began almost 12 years ago and has continued uninterrupted, though at varying levels of intensity, since then.

"Since college, she's been there every step of the way for me," said Penca. "She's been wonderful in every regard, done everything I've asked and given 125 percent of herself to me."

Penca's paramour also wears her heart on her sleeve, a trait past girlfriends often lacked.

"She doesn’t hold anything back, I can see right through her," said Penca. "That's important because I tend to shun people who are evasive and opaque."

But the relationship is not without its drawbacks.

"She can be a little too clingy sometimes and, perhaps, she's a little sharp around the edges," said Penca. "I recognize that I've got to handle her with care or else I'm going to get hurt."

So just who is this object of Penca's affection, a woman? Guess again.

A roll of Glad "Cling Wrap" that was purchased in 1994 just before Penca went to Cedar Falls for college. And while the box has seen better days, there's still plenty polyethylene left on the tube in his cupboard.

"There was 250 feet on that roll to begin with and it's been with me 12 years. If only I wouldn't have gotten that extra 25 percent for free," said Penca. "We've been together so long-- I believe that it's eight different addresses in two states. So I've got to learn to cook at home more because this thing really does know me better than any past girlfriend!"

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Monday, February 13

Give a Man a Fish, Teach a Man to Fish

NEW ORLEANS (SNARKY) -- The Christian parable reads, "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime."

Simple. Beautiful. Jesus!

Give a man a $2000 FEMA debit card and he'll withdraw it at a casino: Laissez Le Bon Temps Rouler! Then he'll game the system to get another card. And then still another card. And another.

Greed is a powerful (and ubiquitous!) thing. So we shouldn't be surprised when the disenchanted and disenfranchised take advantage of a porous and poorly thought-out system in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

But we shouldn't be angry either: he never learned how to fish.

Meanwhile, some 350 miles west of New Orleans in a Houston courtroom, the trial of two former Enron CEOs is underway. The defendants, Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling, face a litany of charges including fraud and conspiracy. Their financial parlor tricks took down a company with 11,000 employees and erased countless billions in pensions and benefits.

Lay and Skilling knew how to fish. For themselves.

With the company's imminent nosedive on the horizon, the executives along with several other top managers cashed out more than $1.1 billion in equity.

You can eat fish for an eternity with that kind of scratch. What's on the menu, Lucifer?

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'Duck' Hunting with Dick

AUSTIN, Texas (SNARKY) -- As the old addage goes, "Who needs enemies when you have have friends like this?"

On Saturday, Vice President Dick Cheney was hunting with pals in Texas when he accidentally shot one of his companions. In the face.

"Goddamnit, it's called 'duck hunting' for a reason," said a visibly shaken or having-another-heart-attack Cheney. "That old bastard [Harry] Whittington had better learn how to hit the dirt when I've got an unregistered shotgun in my cold, dead hand."

Whittington is expected to recover from his injuries. And up his campaign donation.

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Geckos and Ducks ... Oh My!

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Ever notice how some big American insurance companies have deviated from such advertising notions as financial security, longevity and trust? Seriously, what the hell is up with the adorably cute spokesanimals, Geico and Aflac?

Don't get me wrong, I like the stupid little creatures from an aesthetic standpoint but they don't fill me with a sense of accident insurance against the inevitable. And, for this reason among others, they sure-as-hell don't encourage me to patronize these companies.

That's why I insure myself with Allstate, headquartered in nearby Northbrook, Illinois. At least their spokesperson is that delightful, voodoo-loving Pedro Cerrano.

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Sunday, February 12

James Blunt's Ex-Girlfriend Wants Him Back

LONDON (SNARKY) -- In an ironic turn of events, James Blunt's ex-girlfriend is keen on the singer again, now that he has the chart-topping single "You're Beautiful" and a worldwide tour in the works.

The former girlfriend, whom Blunt asked to remain nameless, has been relentlessly contacting him in an effort to salvage their relationship but has been rebuffed so far.

"She only wants me now that I've made it big," said singer-songwriter Blunt. "It's kind of weird and funny, I guess, because the song 'You're Beautiful' is about running into her and her new beau on the [London underground] and me desperately wanting her back. I guess that's karma, bitch."

When asked about the possibility of a reconciliation, Blunt responded, "She's a nice girl for sure and there were some mutual feelings there once. But, c'mon, I'm going on a 35-date U.S. tour for chrissakes. Those girls there will give it up to any bloke like me with an English accent and a guitar."

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Thursday, February 9

Disputed Song Lyric Causes Friendship Row

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Two friends have taken separate hard lines concerning a trivial song lyric, causing irreparable harm to their friendship.

Andy H. and Luke Penca each possess diametrically-opposed viewpoints to the third chorus of The Arcade Fire's "Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)" song. Attempts to resolve the matter via investigation of the "Funeral" album liner notes and online lyric repositories did not produce a mutually-agreeable conclusion.

"I freely accept the song as written by Win [Butler]," said Andy H. referring to the lead singer of The Arcade Fire. "But, as we all know by now, Penca is just being obstinate because he refuses to believe that he heard it wrong. Well, goddamnit, he did!"

Penca counters that the song was different when he attended The Arcade Fire's concert in Texas last year.

"I don't give a shit what the liner notes say because it was live and artists routinely change the lyrics so we can debunk that here and now," Penca countered. "Furthermore, the online sites will take any lyrics submitted by anyone with a pulse, including some 14 year-old girl sitting in Saskatoon who's just regurgitating what she thinks they might be."

Ironically, the lyric that is so hotly contested only has a single word in dispute. But that word changes the whole meaning of the song say the former friends. As it appears in the liner notes, the chorus reads as follows:

I went out into the night,
I went out to find some light.
Kids are dyin' out in the snow,
Look at them go, look at them go!


Despite the text, Penca still sees the song differently.

"Change 'light' to 'white' and it's a bona fide drug reference, especially in such close proximity to the word 'snow'," said Penca. "Think about it, whose fingerprints are all over the disc and who has performed onstage with them? That's right, none other than the cocaine legend himself, Mr. David Bowie."

Lending further credence to Penca's theory are the band members' well-documented battles with drug addiction. However, since it was a live show, the real truth may never be known.

"Looks like I'm going back to spinning Sergeant Pepper's backwards," said a dimmed but undaunted Penca.

H. contends that he has a Rolling Stone article that substantiates his claim of correctness. However, he has been unable to reproduce said article despite several requests for the text or even a link.

Butler and the rest of The Arcade Fire were unavailable for comment because the band, as a matter of principle, does not respond to obsessive-compulsive fans who read too much into their music.

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Orlando Threatens Popular Blog's Longevity

ORLANDO, Florida (SNARKY) -- In a setback for one of the Internet's most popular blogs, the specter of reality intruded the blogosphere and jeopardized the postings of "Lukateake".

"I was in Orlando for a conference and had absolutely nothing to go on," said Luke Penca, author of the Lukateake web log or "blog".

Typically, business travel affords better authors an opportunity to dissect everything from beligerant cab drivers to the unfriendly skies. Even hotel stays and night-out entertainment options have been an endless supply of humor for the talented writer.

"For a city that is suppose to entertain, there was surprisingly little fodder or foibles for [Lukateake]. Everyone that I encountered was perfectly normal and helpful," said Penca. "It must be all the Seroxat that Disney is putting in the water."

However, Penca remains undaunted and vows to break the funk Orlando put him in as he phoned-in his comments for this story.

"I guess all posts can't be winners when you're getting nothing," said the pasty-white Penca. "Thank goodness, I'll soon be back in Chicago where the people are real. Oh, and they're fucking crazy."

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Tuesday, February 7

Bender Retold Through Receipts, Phone Logs

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- With the help of his mobile phone and a wad of receipts, a Chicago man has finally pieced together the events of a five-day long drunken bender.

Luke Penca, of Wicker Park, awoke on Monday morning with little recollection of the last week of his life. Fortunately, he still had his phone and was clutching more than two dozen receipts collected during the time in question.

"I remember my roommate calling me from work to say that he was having a bad day and that we needed to go out that night to blow off a little steam," said a still confused Penca. "That was last Wednesday afternoon according to my phone's incoming call log."

By cross-referencing the receipts with the data the mobile phone provided, Penca and his agents were able to establish a timeline and overlay map of the major incidents during the interim. Only those events involving either the mobile phone, a credit or debit card were able to be reconstructed; however, all cash transactions were lost in the inebriation.

"Obviously, the receipts were invaluable from a 'where-and-when' standpoint," said Andrew H., one of the principal investigators of Penca's disappearance. "Since we're professionals, we were able to glean other important facts from the receipts, as well. For example, one the many receipts from the Blue Line had dark brown stains on it. With the help of our C.S.I. team back at the lab, we were able to determine that those stains were Jagermeister. That's valuable information for us to go on."

Authorities say that although the receipt was printed at 1:47am, they don't suspect Penca went home like a rational person would do normally.

"The appearance of the stains, the handsomeness of the gratuity and the exuberance of his signature, to me these all represent an eagerness to keep drinking," said Roland S., another bender investigator. "I'd bet dollars-to-doughnuts that Penca went to another bar that night, especially if he was fueled up on Jager."

Additionally, the call logs allow investigators to track down witnesses or those who may have had contact with Penca during his week-long drunk.

"That bastard kept text messaging me at all hours of the night," said an ex-girlfriend who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "He needs to grow the fuck up."

Pondering the past week of his life, Penca is resting quietly at his home while close friends hold vigil. Reflecting how things may have gone so terribly wrong, a resolute Penca said, "I've got to make some changes in my life!" Meanwhile, his friends rolled their collective eyes as though they've heard that proclamation a million times before.

Ironically enough, Penca was able to keep up with his web log or "blog" during the bender, much to the chagrin of his readers.

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Monday, February 6

National Hangover Day Enacted

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SNARKY) -- An eleventh day has been added to the list of recognized federal holidays in legislation that President Bush signed into law this morning.

National Hangover Day will be observed on the Monday that immediately follows the Super Bowl to the relief of millions of Americans who over indulged the day before.

The legislation mandates that all federal buildings be closed and that postal services be suspended. In addition, financial markets, banks and public schools will also observe the holiday. But private employers will observe the holiday at their discretion, though it's sure to be almost universally adopted.

"Mercifully, National Hangover Day means that I don't have to crawl out of bed and go to work today," said Luke Penca, a consultant from Chicago, when reached by telephone. "Every fiber of my being still aches and I swear that my liver tried to bolt on me this morning. I've got to make some changes in my life!"

John H., another consultant from Chicago, added, "The game between the Steelers and Seahawks was so goddamn boring because they're two teams no one cares about despite the media's attempts to lionize Jerome Bettis. Jesus, even the much-hyped commercials were pretty lame this year so I had no recourse but to pound all those beers."

H. estimates that he had at least a dozen Miller Lites before halftime. "Plus, I had to have something to wash down all those Buffalo wings. Yes, I pity the poor son-of-a-bitch who sits next to me on the flight out to San Jose."

Logical Holiday

The Super Bowl is the most watched event in television with a domestic audience estimated around 160 million viewers. Many attend celebration parties and the environment leads to an over indulgence in food and alcohol. In turn, that excess leads to severe hangovers the next day which, ultimately, diminishes worker productivity.

"The nation was already taking a holiday anyway so it makes sense," said Carl Tannenbaum, Chief Economist at LaSalle Bank. "Of course, National Hangover Day means that now I'll have to wait another day to collect my winnings from the department's 'Squares' game."

For some, however, today is anything but a welcomed holiday -- it's their worst day of the year.

"We know it as 'Brown Monday' in the sewers and sanitation industry for obvious reasons," said Richard Rice, Chicago's Department of Water Management Commissioner. "Hell, I saw a grown man's colon float by this morning."

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Sunday, February 5

Audiophile Lacks Surround-Sound System

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- A self-proclaimed music lover is still listening to music on an archaic sound system. Wicker Park denizen Luke Penca has only two miniscule speakers on which he listens to his favorite songs at home.

"I don't know how I have overlooked it all these years," said an evasive and noncommittal Penca. "I guess I never really thought about owning one."

Friends of Penca's are equally confounded in the lack of a kickin' stereo system.

"For someone like (Penca) to not have a 5.1 tower system is really sad. And, goddamn it, frustrating!" said Andrew H., a friend who refuses to go to Penca's parties because of the stereo situation. He rhetorically continued, "What am I going to do, listen to 'Wilco' on his Bose Wave Radio? Come on, that's a bullshit setup and he knows it."

Penca thinks nothing of his music pilgrimages to Texas and points beyond during which he will spend thousands of dollars chasing great live acts. However, he just cannot bring himself to spend a few hundred dollars on a serviceable receiver and speakers setup.

"I rationalize it other ways, I really do," said an exasperated Penca. "To me it sounds just fine, plus, I ultimately prefer live music."

Exacerbating the problem is Penca's insistence on hosting every social event including today's Super Bowl party. There, attendees won't hear the thundering rumble of the game or the encompassing and enveloping crowd noise just lowly stereo sound emanating from the television's speakers.

"What the hell are we going to do about halftime?" said Zoom B., another friend of Penca's. "If he thinks that I want to listen to septagenarian Mick Jagger, he's dead wrong. That guy's terrible and should have hung 'em up decades ago. Fuck that, I'd really rather play some of my own tunes for a half hour."

However, there is hope for Penca as he has recently begun shopping for a system and has his eye on a late model Sony Dolby Digital 5.1 system on eBay.

Cautioned friend H., "You never know what you're going to get from there, maybe the speakers are already blown out, plus, it is a few years old already. But at least this situation is coming to a head."

Added Roland S., Penca's friend and guitar teacher, "I don't have the heart to tell him that Sony doesn't mean dick anymore."

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Saturday, February 4

Sentient Tivo Records Porn

CHICAGO (AP) -- In a promising new development for machine artificial intelligence, a Chicago man's Tivo recorded pornography without the involvement of its owner.

Luke Penca, 30, was pleasantly surprised while perusing his Tivo's catalog of recorded programs and saw the X-rated entry "Web of Desire" in the suggested programs list.

"Adult content, graphic language, nudity, strong sexual content. This baby had it all," said a relaxed Penca, lighting up a cigarette. "I'm happy to say that after a year with my Tivo, it's finally got its damn priorities aligned with mine. It's about time!"

It wasn't always a harmonious relationship between the device and Penca.

"For awhile there, Tivo thought I spoke Spanish despite my three thumbs down to 'Sabado Gigante'. And there was that unfortunate week that it thought I was gay, not that there's anything wrong with that!"

Penca isn't the only beneficiary of Tivo's largess. His roommate, Chris T., himself a true connoisseur of the genre, finally feels kinship with the personal video recorder after viewing "Web of Desire".

"Tivo or 'Tito', as I like to call the device, and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye," said T. "Especially after that unexplained 'Bright Eyes at [Austin City Limits]' deletion. Damn it, I'm still pissed about that incident. But if Tivo records porn, then that little son-of-a-bitch has really redeemed himself."

It's unclear what caused Tivo's awakening and it's owner seems uninterested in seeking out the reason behind the momentous occasion.

"Some things are best left unknown," said a laconic Penca as he hurried back to the couch.

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Friday, February 3

Man Succumbs To Omnipresent Marketing

CHICAGO (AP) -- After delaying the inevitable purchase as long as possible, a Chicago man has finally caved in the face of a massive media blitz for Axe Body Spray.

Luke Penca, 30, recently broke down in the deodorant aisle of his local grocery store when he was confronted with three shelves of Axe products, thus, saturating the competitive landscape.

"For the last decade, I was a steadfast Lever 2000 guy," said Penca, "but I just couldn't ignore [the advertisements] any longer because they're everywhere. And I'm still not even sure what the hell 'body spray' is really."

But Kevin Roberts knows all about body spray. As the worldwide CEO for Saatchi & Saatchi, a New York marketing firm, Roberts played an instrumental role in the definition of the new deodorant category for his client Unilever, the Rotterdam-based consumer goods conglomerate.

"The Axe product line annually contributes more than $250 million to Unilever's bottom line, and this is less than four years after we invented the market category," said a boastful Roberts. "Frankly, these male 'twenty-somethings' are so suggestible it's ridiculous. All we had to do was create the belief that unrealistically beautiful women would gravitate to an average guy wearing the product."

While using the "sex sells" approach to marketing is nothing new, critics of Saatchi's envelop-pushing tactics question their approach.

"These guys, Unilever's target audience, never had a chance," said Michael K., a consumer behavior professor at the University of Northern Iowa. "They're hard-wired to be receptive to this persuasion on an animal level so they're not even making a conscious decision for the product."

Results inconclusive

Penca's purchase of the product almost two weeks ago has not led to the kind of results he expected based on the commercials.

"I have yet to be ravaged by a sexually-voracious supermodel," said a frustrated Penca. "Maybe I'm applying it wrong."

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Cafeteria's 'Festive' Chicken Wrap Provides Little Merriment

CHICAGO (AP) -- Diners in Northern Trust's cafeteria were surprisingly morose after eating the Festive Chicken Wrap on Friday.

One of the employees whose enjoyment of the wrap failed to materialize is Luke Penca, 30, a technology consultant in the company's fees department

"Look, I'm a wage slave just working a J.O.B. here," said a listless and emotionally distant Penca as his eyes glazed over further. "It's Friday at the bank so there's absolutely nothing going on, no action whatsoever. I thought the chicken wrap might be my way out of this funk but I thought it was quite bland and unremarkable actually."

The company's cafeteria is independently managed by SodexHo, the French food services company that also serves the American troops of Operation Iraqi Freedom. That military connection may explain why the wrap had a smoky, almost gunpowder-like aftertaste.

Adjective arms race

Patrick C., general manager of the cafeteria, is more circumspect in his estimation. "We've got to cut through the clutter to keep these people here. If they venture out, they may not ever come back. In light of that fact, we absolutely embellish the truth about the quality of out food. It's likely from past date M.R.E.s anyway."

In addition to the aforementioned "festive" modifier, Friday's menu contained the following misleading adjectives: happy, sun-dried, Acapulco, crunchy, melted, crispy, warm, vibrant, thick, zesty, and (curiously) waffle.

Ve Bui, a friend of Penca's and former Trust consultant said, "I tried to tell Penca to stay away from that Exhibition station where the wraps are made despite the tastiness of the 'crunchers' chips. In fact, that was the extent of my transition training to him because I mentioned nothing of the project he was taking over on for me when I left."

The worker who prepared Penca's wrap was available for comment. In Spanish. However, this reporter was too "Americentric" to understand or heed his words.

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Thursday, February 2

Bush Taps Groundhog for Global Warming Post

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) -- In a surprise move, President George W. Bush has named Punxsutawney Phil, a groundhog, as his chief science adviser for global warming, a Cabinet-level post.

"Phil brings a wealth of experience, rarely found in rodents, to such an important task as the understanding of global warming," said Bush during the White House ceremony. "His insight into climate change is unparalleled by current planetary scientists or, more broadly, man for that matter."

Phil's climate prediction prowess is widely viewed as the final word by the millions of uninformed and nostalgic Americans. Thousands of which travel to Gobbler's Knob in the remote hamlet of Punxsutawney, Penn., some 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh, to witness his decision every year.

"I said to myself, 'Why not go to Pennsylvania for a vacation in early February?'" said Rita Anderson, 56, of Tallahassee, Florida, as she parked her flag-adorned recreational vehicle on a nearby hill. "I'm unemployed and I've got nothing better to do."

Meanwhile, the scientific community views Phil more skeptically because his predictions rarely hold up to their scrutiny, particularly those forecasters with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

"Unlike the President, I don't place much emphasis on the climatological leanings of a Marmota monax ... that's a groundhog, woodchuck, whistlepig or squeaver to the layperson," said NOAA Administrator Conrad Lautenbacher. "And I'm German."

In fact, Latenbacher's German heritage first propagated the idea that hibernating animals who cast a shadow Feb. 2, the Christian holiday of Candlemas, do predict winter will last another six weeks.

The Germans also have other hair-brained beliefs, namely Nazism.

Controversies aside, Phil is expected join the White House staff as soon as his current tenured position is up. That transition will be tomorrow, Feb. 3, since he only has a one day per year job.

Phil was unavailable for comment because he's a fucking groundhog.

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Wednesday, February 1

Man to 'Vigorously Defend' Cockblocking Accusation

CHICAGO (AP) -- A Wicker Park man has vowed to defend himself from the accusation of cockblocking stemming from an incident on New Year's Eve.

Luke Penca, 30, is facing a civil suit leveled by Mr X., a friend of Penca's who was staying at the same downtown hotel during the night in question.

The suit alleges that a group including the two friends attended a party in the hotel ballrooms with the expressed intent of "clocking", a slang term that means "to be rollin', making it big, gathering bunches of a particular item'. In this particular case, the group was clocking women.

At some point in the evening, according to the suit, the plaintiff left the ballroom with a young woman while Penca stayed behind. What happened next is the subject of the litigation.

"The defendant willfully, and without regard for the plaintiff's sexual needs, began loudly banging on the hotel door and, thus, a cockblocking of the plaintiff ensued," reads the court documents.

"We believe their case is without merit," said Andrew J., a partner at Jenner & Block who is representing Penca. "They waited until the last possible moment before the statute of limitations expired. If they had a stronger case, we would have seen this case weeks ago. Irrespective, we will vigorously defend these allegations and look forward to court and the exoneration of my client."

Phone calls to the plaintiff requesting comment were not made so they were not returned.

Rainbow Push rallies

Speaking from the soot covered steps of the destroyed Pilgrim Baptist Church, the Rev. Jesse J. Action offered his take on the suit against the defendant.

"This is malicious prosecution by the plaintiff stemming from his sexual frustration," decried a firebrand Action. "Mr. Penca could not cock block. He would not cock block. Just drop the cock block. He wanted to clock." continued Jackson as the choir sang its rendition of "We Shall Overcome".

A preliminary hearing is scheduled for this Friday.

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