Cafeteria's 'Festive' Chicken Wrap Provides Little Merriment

CHICAGO (AP) -- Diners in Northern Trust's cafeteria were surprisingly morose after eating the Festive Chicken Wrap on Friday.

One of the employees whose enjoyment of the wrap failed to materialize is Luke Penca, 30, a technology consultant in the company's fees department

"Look, I'm a wage slave just working a J.O.B. here," said a listless and emotionally distant Penca as his eyes glazed over further. "It's Friday at the bank so there's absolutely nothing going on, no action whatsoever. I thought the chicken wrap might be my way out of this funk but I thought it was quite bland and unremarkable actually."

The company's cafeteria is independently managed by SodexHo, the French food services company that also serves the American troops of Operation Iraqi Freedom. That military connection may explain why the wrap had a smoky, almost gunpowder-like aftertaste.

Adjective arms race

Patrick C., general manager of the cafeteria, is more circumspect in his estimation. "We've got to cut through the clutter to keep these people here. If they venture out, they may not ever come back. In light of that fact, we absolutely embellish the truth about the quality of out food. It's likely from past date M.R.E.s anyway."

In addition to the aforementioned "festive" modifier, Friday's menu contained the following misleading adjectives: happy, sun-dried, Acapulco, crunchy, melted, crispy, warm, vibrant, thick, zesty, and (curiously) waffle.

Ve Bui, a friend of Penca's and former Trust consultant said, "I tried to tell Penca to stay away from that Exhibition station where the wraps are made despite the tastiness of the 'crunchers' chips. In fact, that was the extent of my transition training to him because I mentioned nothing of the project he was taking over on for me when I left."

The worker who prepared Penca's wrap was available for comment. In Spanish. However, this reporter was too "Americentric" to understand or heed his words.

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