Bender Retold Through Receipts, Phone Logs

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- With the help of his mobile phone and a wad of receipts, a Chicago man has finally pieced together the events of a five-day long drunken bender.

Luke Penca, of Wicker Park, awoke on Monday morning with little recollection of the last week of his life. Fortunately, he still had his phone and was clutching more than two dozen receipts collected during the time in question.

"I remember my roommate calling me from work to say that he was having a bad day and that we needed to go out that night to blow off a little steam," said a still confused Penca. "That was last Wednesday afternoon according to my phone's incoming call log."

By cross-referencing the receipts with the data the mobile phone provided, Penca and his agents were able to establish a timeline and overlay map of the major incidents during the interim. Only those events involving either the mobile phone, a credit or debit card were able to be reconstructed; however, all cash transactions were lost in the inebriation.

"Obviously, the receipts were invaluable from a 'where-and-when' standpoint," said Andrew H., one of the principal investigators of Penca's disappearance. "Since we're professionals, we were able to glean other important facts from the receipts, as well. For example, one the many receipts from the Blue Line had dark brown stains on it. With the help of our C.S.I. team back at the lab, we were able to determine that those stains were Jagermeister. That's valuable information for us to go on."

Authorities say that although the receipt was printed at 1:47am, they don't suspect Penca went home like a rational person would do normally.

"The appearance of the stains, the handsomeness of the gratuity and the exuberance of his signature, to me these all represent an eagerness to keep drinking," said Roland S., another bender investigator. "I'd bet dollars-to-doughnuts that Penca went to another bar that night, especially if he was fueled up on Jager."

Additionally, the call logs allow investigators to track down witnesses or those who may have had contact with Penca during his week-long drunk.

"That bastard kept text messaging me at all hours of the night," said an ex-girlfriend who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "He needs to grow the fuck up."

Pondering the past week of his life, Penca is resting quietly at his home while close friends hold vigil. Reflecting how things may have gone so terribly wrong, a resolute Penca said, "I've got to make some changes in my life!" Meanwhile, his friends rolled their collective eyes as though they've heard that proclamation a million times before.

Ironically enough, Penca was able to keep up with his web log or "blog" during the bender, much to the chagrin of his readers.

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