Tuesday, February 10

The (Very) Best of Lukateake

SANTA MONICA, CALIF. (SNARKY) -- I've succumbed to the temptation to do a "Best Of" post. Not because I feel that what I have is particularly profound but rather because I'm lazy and this is a means to an easy post.

So with that tepid lead-in building absolutely no buzz whatsoever, I present to you, humble reader, the very best of Lukateake:

10. Blog Becomes 'Unholy Bitch Mistress' After 1 Week
9. Bush Taps Groundhog for Global Warming Post
8. Man to Vigorously Defend 'Cockblocking' Accusation
7. Blogger Too Lazy to Post, Spellchcek
6. Razor Accident Claims Beard, 'Stache Clings to Life
5. Heart Attack Downgraded to Pneumonia
4. Bender Retold Through Receipts, Phone Logs
3. Sentient Tivo Records Porn
2. Man Succumbs to Omnipresent Marketing

and drumroll, please...

1. Uncle Frets Candid Conversation With Nephews

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Wednesday, August 15

This Lyric Scares the Shit Out Of Me

"I changed by not changing at all." -- Pearl Jam in Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town

Thursday, July 19

My First Internet Stalker

SANTA MONICA, CALIF. (SNARKY) -- Well it was bound to happen sooner or later, especially what with the meteoric ascent of Lukateake from humble beginnings to its present comfy corner in the world wide web. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is truly a historic day for me as I now have my very own Internet stalker!

The net effect to you, loyal reader, is that I've had to return to comment moderation. It sucks for all of us but I really have no other choice.

See you in the funny pages... or the obituaries.

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Monday, April 16

Speech as John's Best Man

[to Lisa] Good evening, you look beautiful.

[to John] Wow! Do you realize that we've known each other for almost 20 years?

[reading off note card] John and I met when I moved to DeWitt in the seventh grade. We quickly became fast friends as John was the "cool, jock, class president" kid looking for foot soldiers to expand his empire. He saw in me -- a nebbish neophyte of a boy fresh off the farm -- someone who he could shape in his own image and, perhaps, equally willing [begins to shake fist] to rule school with an iron ffffffffffffff...

Oh, sorry, wrong speech. [retrieves note card from other breast pocket; throws both away]

In reality, John and I ran track together and we dated girls who were friends themselves. It was a natural progression that he and I would become friends as well.

We grew up in small town Iowa and had similar yet still distinctly different perspectives. In John and myself (and Amy, Bridget, Molly and Mindi), formed a different worldview than those of our classmates and we couldn't wait to expand our horizons. We knew it was a great big world out there and we couldn't wait to be party to it.

Unfortunately, the party would have to wait a little longer. I was "passed over" by M.I.T. and John had second thoughts on going to an east coast school, so we wound up as freshmen at Iowa. How fortuitous that decision would turn out to be!

While John was going to class, I was majoring in algebra avoidance and sleep conservation. The University of Iowa gave us the opportunity to meet some of our world-class friends: Andy, Kevin, Rick and Zoom among others.

We parted amicably following that freshman year and I went to Northern Iowa, John stayed and cultivated his alter ego: "Hank" who we all know and love.

Now Hank (and not John, mind you) would go on to have some wonderful encounters with Iowa City's finest and let's say just say he got some less than stellar job recommendations.

Moving right along... because this is getting long.

John graduated and moved to Chicago first, staying true to that earlier covenant to see the world. The group would follow as Kevin and I joined him at the legendary address of 2243. Oh, those were salad days, my friends. Think of it as "college with money."

During this time, John was pursuing his Master's at the University of Chicago by using the time-honored tradition of "B's get degrees." He employed his extra time in establishing great friendships with many of the guys here tonight. Larry, Rowland... Sanjaya.

John graduated with his M.B.A. and excitedly began preparations for a move to San Francisco. Again, wanting to see a bit of the world firsthand.

In one of those moments that can only be found in truly great love stories, John bowed his head and said... [notices John unbowed, goes over and physically does it for him]

John said, "Lord, thank you. Please don't change a thing in my life." Enter John's love interest: Lisa, stage left. Yeah, life's kinda funny like that; when you're not looking for true love, it blindsides you and you're not even concerned whether or not it's got insurance.

Interestingly, the backdrop for their first union was Wrigley Field after -- and I swear to God I'm not making this up -- a Cubs playoff win. You know that the stars align favorably (and exclusively) for you!

Maybe it was the crisp autumn air or the triumphant fan euphoria or, perhaps, the many beers but John and Lisa each saw a glint in one another's eye that night. And well... yadda, yadda, yadda. The rest is history as they say, which serves as a fine transition to mercifully bring us up to the present ceremony.

John and Lisa, you are two wonderful people that love one another dearly. That fact can be evidenced by the great people around you to share this moment on your wedding day.

I'll leave you with a pearl of wisdom I received from my father in the however likely or unlikely event that I do get married someday.

He said, "The easy days are easy, my son. And love is love, it's universal and without interrupt. But marriage really comes down to a question of faith. There will come a time when the two of you will find yourselves together in the most unimaginable set of circumstances. It is in that very moment, where the success of you together is solely dependent upon your absolute and complete faith in one another. Persevere; and when you're beyond your travail, your bond will forever closer and stronger. That is what it truly means to keep the faith."

With that, a toast to the happy couple. Keep the faith.

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Wednesday, April 11

Chad Fucking Lowe

SANTA MONICA, CALIF. (SNARKY) -- I was hoping for a lot more frankly.

When I moved to Chicago in 2000, I couldn't wait to meet my first celebrity. Like any boy from Nowhere, Iowa, I was excited at the prospect of running into Mike Jordan or Oprah -- hell, I would have liked to meet Sammy Sosa back then -- just for the reflected glory and a story for my friends back home.

Though it took a few weeks, I finally ran into someone who's work I had seen. In the old Trader Todd's downtown, I met none other than Donald Gibb. Yes, good ol' Ogre from that boffo film franchise "Revenge of the Nerds."

I'd always felt a little gypped because my Chicago celebrity cherry was popped by an 80's Trivial Pursuit answer. And though I'd go on to see the other celebrities listed above, it never was the same as my first time.

Perhaps subconsciously because of this harbored angst, I recently moved to sunny SoCal to become my own celebrity. And to shake off the stain of Don Gibb, I went famous people hunting upon my arrival.

I live on the ocean in Santa Monica mere steps from trendy shopping and dining districts. I figured it was only a matter of time until L.A.'s finest such as Will Ferrell, Mel Gibson or George Clooney would emerge.

But my great hopes were dashed when I dined late one Monday night at Swingers. Lo and behold, Chad Fucking Lowe was at the counter nervously noshing with a quite pronounced mandibular motion. (It looks like he got Hillary's horsemouth in the divorce.)

So I am 0-2 in quality celebrity sightings in my first attempts in each city and I'm seriously considering moving to New York City.

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Monday, April 9

Hello California

SANTA MONICA, CALIF. (SNARKY) -- Yes, 'tis true: I live in California now. However, I am missing Chicago terribly because it's my friends that are irreplaceable... at least until I replace 'em with surrogates out here.

Other than that, I have nothing witty to say, nothing snarky at this point; I'm just trying to make right by the world. To those who care (and to those who don't: fuck you!): the screenplay is "in progress" and I'm determined to get something committed to film by the end of the year. I hope that it doesn't cost me my soul but I know the blood, sweat and tears will be worth it in the end.

So please stay tuned; this shit is about to get weird.

Remember: it's a long trip alone. (Please listen to the song by the same name.)

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Saturday, February 24

Goodbye Chicago

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Well, my love, we've got to say it sometime sooner or later seeing as how I am (in typical 'guy' fashion) leaving early in the morning.

I'm sorry that we didn't get to cuddle longer than these past seven years. But I do promise to call you again sometime because, well, umm... you're a really swell lady.

In all sincerity, I'll miss you and the special moments we've shared together. I came into full under your tutelage and grown into much more than the naïve Iowa boy I once was. In fact and though you didn't know it, you've been preparing me for this step since I arrived. And now it's time to take it.

Thank you and I'll always love you, dear Chicago. Until we meet again.

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Wednesday, February 14

California Stars

I'd like to rest my heavy head tonight
On a bed of California stars
I'd like to lay my weary bones tonight
On a bed of California stars

I'd love to feel your hand touching mine
And tell me why I must keep working on
Yes, I'd give my life to lay my head tonight
On a bed of California stars

I'd like to dream my troubles all away
On a bed of California stars
Jump up from my starbed and make another day
Underneath my California stars

They hang like grapes on vines that shine
And warm the lovers glass like friendly wine
So, I'd give this world
Just to dream a dream with you
On our bed of California stars

(Words by W. Guthrie)

Monday, December 25

Norway Snubbed For Scandinavian Gift Exchange

OSLO, Norway (SNARKY) -- There will be no lutefisk under the tree again this year.

A family member will be conspicuously absent from the Scandinavian Christmas party when Sweden, Finland and Denmark get drunk together.

Norway, a repudiator of the European Union and still smarting from Denmark's assimilation of their country almost 700 years ago, will be home all alone for the holidays.

Akin to some unilateral uncle, the country chooses to sit on the sidelines rather than engage the rest of the family during this reconciliatory time of year.

Said Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg, "I'm taking my ball and going home." (At least that what I think he said, seeing as how I don't speak Norwegian.)

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