Wednesday, September 27

'T.O.' Allergic to FB Practice

DALLAS (SNARKY) -- Terrell Owens is not suicidal and he wants you to know that.

"I make too much money to want to harm myself," said media-whore Owens after leaving Baylor University Medical Center. "C'mon, I just signed a [$25 million] deal in March and I'm going to collect all of it. After all, I've got to feed my family."

The coddled Cowboys wideout is, however, allergic. But not painkillers, sports supplements, hay fever, the sun, unsalted peanuts or anything else equally plausible. No, quite simply T.O. is allergic to football practice.

In a string of increasingly bizarre excuses, Owens will again miss practice at the Cowboys' training facility after being released from the hospital this morning following his "overdose."

For those scoring at home, T.O. has now missed practice because he: 1.) overslept, 2.) tweaked his hamstring putting on his shorts, 3.) broke the smallest bone in the back of his hand, and now 4.) tried to kill himself.

Unlike the Cowboys' front office -- who happen to be some of the stupidest people on the planet -- I am eagerly awaiting Owens' "Excuse No. 5."

Could it possibly have something to do with an asteroid impact or global warming? I'm crossing my fingers while futilely trying to pull the painkillers out of his mouth.

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Friday, September 22

Blogger Too Lazy To Post, Spellchcek

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- What was once a paragon for satirical musings and shining example of the art of blogging, "Lukateake" has quietly and precipitously fallen into disrepair through a milieu of mismanagement, posting dearth and ill-advised $25 words.

Luke Penca, 31, of Chicago, has on-again-and-off-again written the peculiarly-hyphenated web log since January. But acolytes of the once popular site have recently begun defecting en masse to a more consistent online feeding at the Humor Teat, ala TheOnion.com and AlJazeera.com.

When reached at his stuffy, blinds-drawn apartment, the paranoid Penca briefly parted the louvers into his psyche before becoming combative with this mild mannered reporter.

"It's goddamn A.D.H. and I don't mean my good friend, Andrew D. Heog," said Penca referring to Attention Deficit Hyperactivity disorder. "And, yes, I know that there should be another 'D' at the end of it. Now go fuck yourself. Sideways."

Perhaps, all is not lost for the young author and his Luakteake creation.

"If Luke can harnass his anger and use it as a creative force even for short bursts, he'll be all the richer for it," said fellow friend and jazz impresario Matt Geraghty of The Matt Geraghty Project, his eponymous ensemble and not the least bit narcissistic.

"But if he can't ride that razor's edge, he'll devolve into a bitter and jaded has-been or, worse, a never-was," said Geraghty. "Granted, even then he can still get sitcom work."

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Football Picks Picked Up

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- In an apparent nod to his rampant laziness, a Chicago man has outsourced his office football pool picks to Terry Bannon, a columnist for the Sun Times.

"Terry's record this season speaks for itself," said Luke Penca, 31. "I just don't have the five minutes I need every week to contemplate my picks so I'm outsourcing the work."

Admittedly, Bannon's record over the nascent season stands at a yeoman's 23 wins against 9 losses. However, last week marked a dramatic upturn as he went 14 and 2.

"I'm banking my five dollars on another week like [last week]," said Penca before scurrying off for a nap.

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Monday, September 11

Google To Join Search For Bin Laden

WASHINGTON, D.C. (SNARKY) -- Using the five year anniversary of 9/11 as a backdrop, President Bush unveiled an ambitious new strategy in the war on terror: engaging the vast resources of Google in the hunt for Osama Bin Laden.

"Google can find anything and as my best friend Homer Simpson says, 'they certainly answered my questions about wang enhancement,'" said the President.

When told that Google is only useful in finding things on the Internet and, furthermore, that Homer Simpson is just a cartoon, the President muttered a few nonsensical sentence fragments then furrowed his brow before spitting on the carpet and disappearing behind the blue curtain of the White House press room.

Ask to comment for the Mountain View, Calif. based company, CEO Eric Schmidt said, "Google steadfastly supports the war on terrorism -- from monitoring American citizens' search habits to invading their privacy to sharing our records with the Federal government -- but there is only so much we can do from here. I can put the President in contact with our Tora Bora subsidary 'Gulagle' for assistance in finding Bin Laden."

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