CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Michael Barrett is off to a fantastic with the Chicago Cubs this year. His OPS (on-base percentage plus slugging percentage) is a staggering .947 through 12 games. Even more impressive than that sizeable total is the fact that he's batting a thousand against reporters' questions.
Truth be told, I like Michael Barrett. And the reporters like him as well because he'll answer every last question of theirs. In those narrow terms, he's a real "company man" for his owners at the Tribune and the rest of the media.
But his proclivity for the pulled quote alienates him in the clubhouse.
How else to explain Carlos Zambrano and Mark Prior's refusal to let him catch them when they are on the hill? Instead, manager Dusty Baker has to trade Barrett's power for the offensively-challenged Henry Blanco who is literally unremarkable in every sense of the word.
Barrett is one of the good guys. He plays the game the right way and he'd run through a brick wall for this Chicago team to win the World Series. Hell, I would too if I spent five long seasons in Montreal, baseball's now-shuttered purgatory.
Granted, his quotes may be a tad too sunny and hyperbolic for some to stomach. But in this age of sound bites and droll remarks they're a refreshing change of pace.
And Barrett's not a sycophant, either. He's just trying to erase a century's worth of grey gloom surrounding this franchise by taking the "half-full" approach.
So cut Barrett some slack in the clubhouse, gentlemen. He's only feeding the beast that is the millions of Cubs fans who hang on every article. The ones like me who constantly reload ESPN.com throughout the day in the hopes of a new morsel to fill the championship void in our souls.
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Technorati: Chicago Cubs, Michael Barrett, Baseball, Lukateake
Tuesday, April 18
I Know I'm Late On This Story
WASHINGTON, D.C. (SNARKY) -- I just couldn't resist this story any longer once I saw this recent campaign photo of Cynthia McKinney. Talk about an unfortunate coincidence, too. Racism and classism. That must be the topic for the day here on Lukateake apparently. Please discuss among yourselves.Anyway, "fighting for us," indeed. Now if only I had some mad Photoshop skills, I'd give her cellphone a cameo.
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2 Duke Lacrosse 'Attackmen' Indicted
DURHAM, N.C. (SNARKY) – I can't help but think that there's an unfortunate coincidence in the Duke Lacrosse rape case because in men's Lacrosse the three forward offensive players are called the "attackmen." Ouch, that's got to sting.
Lacrosse is one of the fastest growing sports at all levels of play and one of the oldest here in North America. Obviously, this wasn't the sort of publicity that the sport was looking for when the story broke. However, it will forever be inextricably linked to what transpires in a North Carolina courtroom.
But this story isn't about Lacrosse per se; it, like everything else, is about those two stalwarts of the American consciousness: racism and classism.
That dyad just happens to manifest conveniently enough as Lacrosse. It's the sport played by those white-bred bluebloods from the Northeast. At a school where the tuition is greater than the poverty line for a family of four. In an immediate area inhabited by disenfranchised blacks.
The media is having a field day with this one and, in the end, the only ones who will be served by the whole process are the advertisers.
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Technorati: Duke, Lacrosse, Media, Lukateake
Lacrosse is one of the fastest growing sports at all levels of play and one of the oldest here in North America. Obviously, this wasn't the sort of publicity that the sport was looking for when the story broke. However, it will forever be inextricably linked to what transpires in a North Carolina courtroom.
But this story isn't about Lacrosse per se; it, like everything else, is about those two stalwarts of the American consciousness: racism and classism.
That dyad just happens to manifest conveniently enough as Lacrosse. It's the sport played by those white-bred bluebloods from the Northeast. At a school where the tuition is greater than the poverty line for a family of four. In an immediate area inhabited by disenfranchised blacks.
The media is having a field day with this one and, in the end, the only ones who will be served by the whole process are the advertisers.
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Technorati: Duke, Lacrosse, Media, Lukateake
Friday, April 14
Throwing Oneself Into the Abyss?
Dear Luke,
What the hell are you thinking, dude? Haven't you read the goddamn papers or watched the freakin' nightly news lately? Iowa is just about the last place you want to be this weekend.
It's as if, on Easter no less, God is smiting the Hawkeye state with plagues and calamities what with infections of the mumps and devastating tornadoes, respectively.
If you want to take your life into your own hands, that's so not cool with me. We're two sides of the same coin and I have a say in this, too.
Look before you leap,
Lukateake.....
What the hell are you thinking, dude? Haven't you read the goddamn papers or watched the freakin' nightly news lately? Iowa is just about the last place you want to be this weekend.
It's as if, on Easter no less, God is smiting the Hawkeye state with plagues and calamities what with infections of the mumps and devastating tornadoes, respectively.
If you want to take your life into your own hands, that's so not cool with me. We're two sides of the same coin and I have a say in this, too.
Look before you leap,
Lukateake.....
4th Wheel Foils Ménage à Trois
CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Three's company and four's a crowd. That was the situation my three buddies found themselves in at some woman's condo late one night recently.
The foursome was drinking and partying at her place after 3:00 AM, the low ebb of the soul, when the topic turned to sex.
"The next thing I knew, she was doing the splits on her kitchen floor," said Ve B. "I said to myself, 'oh yeah, it's on.'"
A knowing nod to his compatriot later and visions of threesomes filled my two buddies' heads. But there was just one problem: Roland S. sitting on the couch in the living room thumbing through the woman's music catalog and slow-sipping his beer.
S. is known for his world-class tenacity and determination. He's one who takes the "last man standing" approach to hooking up; therefore, his plan was to wait the other two out. However, he was unaware of the potential triad in the other room.
How could the two get S. to leave without making it seem obvious? And how could S. get the other two to leave while staying behind?
"We tried a little reverse psychology on him but it didn't work," said Chris T. "So we tried to lure him to a late night bar, expecting to double back on him to the condo. But, God damn it, that son-of-a-bitch just sat there stoically."
In the end, neither party succeeded because no one was willing to surrender his position -- positions that get all the more interesting with an extra pair of arms and legs.
A circumspect and presumably circumcised S. offered his final word on the subject, "Let's be clear: this was a MMF that we're talking about here. It's not like it was a milk-and-honey FFM that we've all fantasized about. Frankly, it's a little unsettling to reflect upon."
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Technorati: Chicago, Threesome, Lukateake
The foursome was drinking and partying at her place after 3:00 AM, the low ebb of the soul, when the topic turned to sex.
"The next thing I knew, she was doing the splits on her kitchen floor," said Ve B. "I said to myself, 'oh yeah, it's on.'"
A knowing nod to his compatriot later and visions of threesomes filled my two buddies' heads. But there was just one problem: Roland S. sitting on the couch in the living room thumbing through the woman's music catalog and slow-sipping his beer.
S. is known for his world-class tenacity and determination. He's one who takes the "last man standing" approach to hooking up; therefore, his plan was to wait the other two out. However, he was unaware of the potential triad in the other room.
How could the two get S. to leave without making it seem obvious? And how could S. get the other two to leave while staying behind?
"We tried a little reverse psychology on him but it didn't work," said Chris T. "So we tried to lure him to a late night bar, expecting to double back on him to the condo. But, God damn it, that son-of-a-bitch just sat there stoically."
In the end, neither party succeeded because no one was willing to surrender his position -- positions that get all the more interesting with an extra pair of arms and legs.
A circumspect and presumably circumcised S. offered his final word on the subject, "Let's be clear: this was a MMF that we're talking about here. It's not like it was a milk-and-honey FFM that we've all fantasized about. Frankly, it's a little unsettling to reflect upon."
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Technorati: Chicago, Threesome, Lukateake
Austinite Secretly Loathes Lollapalooza
AUSTIN, Texas (SNARKY) -- She's a gregarious and affable woman, always quick to give while expecting nothing in return. To her, life is an unending day of warm sunshine.
But rain clouds have gathered around Emma M. of late as she quietly harbors contempt for Lollapalooza, the mega-music festival to be held in Chicago later this year.
"It sort of takes a little bit of the shine off ACL," said a forlorn M, referring to the Austin City Limits Festival held in September. "To many music travelers, we're no longer the red letter date and music Mecca we once were."
Lollapalooza and ACL share the same promotion company, Charles Attal Presents. As such, the two have booked nearly identical line-ups for their respective dates six weeks apart.
"How the hell can I expect my Chicago friends to come to Texas again this year? Jesus, they'll have ACL on the lake there first."
Reinforcing M.'s viewpoint is the lack of talk amongst her friends about going to ACL this year.
"My friends and I haven't really talked about it yet," said Luke Penca, a three-time ACL attendee and one of M.'s friends from Chicago. "Probably because we know that it will be a hard sell to ourselves in light of Lolla[palooza]."
Last year's festival in Austin did little to help its case as record high temperatures descended on fans bracing for a hurricane whose relieving rains never arrived.
"It was 108 fucking degrees," said Chris T. who was at the three day ACL show. "Fahrenheit!"
The uncertainty surrounding whether her Chicago friends will still come to ACL this year is clearly taking its toll on M.
"I went to last week's flash mob pillow fight so I could beat the piss out of someone just to work out my aggression," said M. still wielding her "D" battery laced pillow.
"Whatever happens though, we'll always have SXSW."
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Technorati: Austin, ACL, Lollapalooza, Satire, Lukateake
But rain clouds have gathered around Emma M. of late as she quietly harbors contempt for Lollapalooza, the mega-music festival to be held in Chicago later this year.
"It sort of takes a little bit of the shine off ACL," said a forlorn M, referring to the Austin City Limits Festival held in September. "To many music travelers, we're no longer the red letter date and music Mecca we once were."
Lollapalooza and ACL share the same promotion company, Charles Attal Presents. As such, the two have booked nearly identical line-ups for their respective dates six weeks apart.
"How the hell can I expect my Chicago friends to come to Texas again this year? Jesus, they'll have ACL on the lake there first."
Reinforcing M.'s viewpoint is the lack of talk amongst her friends about going to ACL this year.
"My friends and I haven't really talked about it yet," said Luke Penca, a three-time ACL attendee and one of M.'s friends from Chicago. "Probably because we know that it will be a hard sell to ourselves in light of Lolla[palooza]."
Last year's festival in Austin did little to help its case as record high temperatures descended on fans bracing for a hurricane whose relieving rains never arrived.
"It was 108 fucking degrees," said Chris T. who was at the three day ACL show. "Fahrenheit!"
The uncertainty surrounding whether her Chicago friends will still come to ACL this year is clearly taking its toll on M.
"I went to last week's flash mob pillow fight so I could beat the piss out of someone just to work out my aggression," said M. still wielding her "D" battery laced pillow.
"Whatever happens though, we'll always have SXSW."
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Technorati: Austin, ACL, Lollapalooza, Satire, Lukateake
Monday, April 10
Aidan Lucas
CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- First there were six consecutive nephews. Then there was a run of six straight nieces to even the score. Statistically, that's pretty rare.
Nevertheless, my family and I knew that the tie would be broken when my sister-in-law Kim gave birth today. Unless, of course, she popped out boy-and-girl twins.
I'm very proud to welcome my newest nephew, Aidan Lucas, into this world. He's 20 inches long, 8 lbs 6 ounces and both he and his mother are doing great.
My brother Jeff just called with the wonderful news and to tell me that he named his son after me. I am flattered and honored at the partial naming rights.
So will this start another streak of boys for the Penca family? Only God knows but as the only sibling yet to fire up the baby factory, let's just say that I'm keeping an eye on the situation.
I welcome Aidan for another reason: thankfully, he'll run interference on my parents. I figure that he'll save me a few years of their scrutiny and questions as to when I'm getting married.
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Technorati: Lukateake
Nevertheless, my family and I knew that the tie would be broken when my sister-in-law Kim gave birth today. Unless, of course, she popped out boy-and-girl twins.
I'm very proud to welcome my newest nephew, Aidan Lucas, into this world. He's 20 inches long, 8 lbs 6 ounces and both he and his mother are doing great.
My brother Jeff just called with the wonderful news and to tell me that he named his son after me. I am flattered and honored at the partial naming rights.
So will this start another streak of boys for the Penca family? Only God knows but as the only sibling yet to fire up the baby factory, let's just say that I'm keeping an eye on the situation.
I welcome Aidan for another reason: thankfully, he'll run interference on my parents. I figure that he'll save me a few years of their scrutiny and questions as to when I'm getting married.
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Technorati: Lukateake
Friday, April 7
Plasma Envy
CHICAGO (SNARKY) – I held out for as long as I could, I swear. But today I finally broke down and bought a plasma television, thereby joining the ranks of those who possess the latest wonder of technology.Count my closest friends, at least those who aren't Luddites, among this group as well. Of course, their first question put to me was: what size? To wit, I could go on and on about HDMI (high-definition multimedia interface) and 1,000-to-1 contrast ratios and no one would give a shit. All they really want to know is the unit's length.
It's a modern day virility test for men as if it somehow correlates to their penis size. We've been there before: a snicker or hearty harrumph at the mere mention of a 32-inch screen, meanwhile at the other end of the spectrum, the back-slapping boasts of anything over 50 inches.
Maybe there really is a correlation, albeit an inverse one. I can't help but suspect those in the market for LG's massive 71-inch monitor (pictured) have some sense of inadequacy. And I bet they drive a Hummer as well.
I won't disclose my unit's vital measurement in this blog, however. The reader will just have to come over to my place and see it for herself.
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Technorati: Chicago, Plasma, Envy, Satire, Lukateake
Tuesday, April 4
Cubs on Pace to Score 2600 Runs
CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- With their 16-7 drubbing on the Cincinati Reds yesterday, the Chicago Cubs are on pace to score 2592 runs over the course of a 162-game season.
Batter up!
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Batter up!
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