Bush Taps Groundhog for Global Warming Post

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) -- In a surprise move, President George W. Bush has named Punxsutawney Phil, a groundhog, as his chief science adviser for global warming, a Cabinet-level post.

"Phil brings a wealth of experience, rarely found in rodents, to such an important task as the understanding of global warming," said Bush during the White House ceremony. "His insight into climate change is unparalleled by current planetary scientists or, more broadly, man for that matter."

Phil's climate prediction prowess is widely viewed as the final word by the millions of uninformed and nostalgic Americans. Thousands of which travel to Gobbler's Knob in the remote hamlet of Punxsutawney, Penn., some 65 miles northeast of Pittsburgh, to witness his decision every year.

"I said to myself, 'Why not go to Pennsylvania for a vacation in early February?'" said Rita Anderson, 56, of Tallahassee, Florida, as she parked her flag-adorned recreational vehicle on a nearby hill. "I'm unemployed and I've got nothing better to do."

Meanwhile, the scientific community views Phil more skeptically because his predictions rarely hold up to their scrutiny, particularly those forecasters with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.

"Unlike the President, I don't place much emphasis on the climatological leanings of a Marmota monax ... that's a groundhog, woodchuck, whistlepig or squeaver to the layperson," said NOAA Administrator Conrad Lautenbacher. "And I'm German."

In fact, Latenbacher's German heritage first propagated the idea that hibernating animals who cast a shadow Feb. 2, the Christian holiday of Candlemas, do predict winter will last another six weeks.

The Germans also have other hair-brained beliefs, namely Nazism.

Controversies aside, Phil is expected join the White House staff as soon as his current tenured position is up. That transition will be tomorrow, Feb. 3, since he only has a one day per year job.

Phil was unavailable for comment because he's a fucking groundhog.

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