The Soundstage in My Mind

(Playing out on the soundstage inside my mind.)

Host: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together and give a warm welcome to the show... the incomparable, one-and-only Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad W.!
[applause]
Host: Chad, it's been a long time since we last saw you. Everything alright?
Chad: Could it have been Las Vegas? Ummm, has the statute of limitation expired on that weekend? Can we talk about that?
[audience laughs]
Host: No! I'm afraid those records are permanently sealed.
[uproarious laughter]
Host: That was a very long, long time ago. Whatcha been up to since?
Chad: Just living in Iowa, raising a family.
Host: That's right, you're married and have... two kids? Boy and a girl?
Chad: I guess I do now! Seriously, it's a little like that but you should really get your people to update my index card.
Host: We hire day laborers for that kind of work. I think that's pretty evident to everyone who witnessed tonight's monologue.
[audience laughs]
Chad: Then take the next logical step, get day-laborer guests to come on your show.
Host: That's you, Chad! What did you think this was, The Late Show?
Chad: That's right, you did pick me up in the lot of the Home Depot this morning.
[audience laughs]
Host: Now you're grasping the idea.
[Chad takes a sip of water.]
Host: So update us on your life. Everything good? What's the new project?
Chad: Well I've got my own consulting firm now.
Host: Ahh, yes. The appropriately named W. Consulting Group. Way to go out on a limb there!
Chad: It was the wife's idea. Besides we can't all pull a nonsensical nom de plume out of nowhere, "Lukateake."
[audience laughs]
Host: Touche, Monsieur ... Alright that's probably enough French for one interview, I'm losing my audience.
Chad: You lost them a long time ago!
[audience laughs]
Host: Nice timing, well played. So you've got the new project going on. Hmmm, a consulting group. (asking off-screen) Do we have a clip?
Chad: Oh no!
Host: Yes, we've got the clip. Ladies and gentlemen, coming soon to a suburban office park near you... Chad W.'s starring turn in "W. Consulting Group."

(Cut to Chad reenacting the scene from Seinfeld where Kramer has an office job, [background music: Sheena Easton's "(My Baby Takes The) Morning Train"]: fighting subway commuters, washing his shoes in the water fountain, giving a presentation with the projection upside down, back slapping colleagues during Happy Hour and, finally, eating crackers out of his briefcase.)

Host: (smiling broadly) That's great, nicely done. (to audience) We'll be right back with more of Chad W.

(Paul Shaffer strikes up the reprise of "Morning Train" and go for commercial.)

[120 seconds]

(Drop back in on band's trailing bars of Men At Work's "Down Under.")

Host: We're back with our good friend Chad W. So you're in town for a charity benefit?
Chad: No, it's nothing like that at all.
Host: Damn index card.
[audience laughs]
Chad: I'm doing a one-afternoon stand at Merkle's this Saturday during the Hawkeye game.
Host: Ahh, new material?
Chad: (sheepishly) Is there any other kind, Luke?
Host: But the proceeds go to charity, right?
Chad: Yes, the Chad-W.-Needs-a-New-Liver fund.
[audience laughs]
Host: Get in line, pal. (pointing at own liver) This baby didn't enlarge itself.
Chad: You're right, but the Coronas and cheese fries probably had something to do with it.
Host: Guilty as charged. Chad, it's always a pleasure. Good to see you. Ladies and gentlemen, you can catch more of Chad W. tomorrow at Merkle's during the game. Good night.

(Strike up the band, fade to black.)