Wednesday, March 29

Time Not Kind to Aging Rock Stars

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- This just in, 60s rock stars haven't aged well at all. Take for example Tom Jones' face, I've seen better looking leather in beat up saddles and old catcher's mits. Good lord, that Vegas sun has made a goblin out of the 65 year-old Welshman. Looks like he could have used some lotion to go along with medal he received during the Queen's knighting ceremony earlier today. "It's not unusual to be leathery..."

And don't even get me started on Phil Spector's hair as it is beyond my comprehension. It looks like the ballyhooed rock producer is shocked out of his goddamn mind. Of course, allegedly putting a 12-guage shotgun in some girl's face at point blank and pulling the trigger will do that to a person from time to time.

And then there's Gary Glitter, no current photo available. This guy's so howling detestable that he had to molest two Vietnamese girls, ages 10 and 11. He's looking at a three year sentence at Phuoc To prison.

Phuoc you, Gary.

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Monday, March 27

Friend Rues Decision to Forgo Cubs Tix

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- In a surprise move this off-season, avid Cubs fan Zoom B. decided to let his season tickets lapse. Even before the first pitch of the season, his decision has already bit him in the ass.

"I just got an email from my boss at work asking for tickets," said a dejected B. "Coming through with them would have been huge for my career."

Undoubtedly, the Chicago man's choice was not taken lightly. The cost overruns on his perennial home renovation and with his first child due later this year, B. had to make the difficult decision to bypass the season.

"Frankly, I was shocked," said Luke Penca who previously shared tickets with B. "While I may understand his life situation, c'mon, we're talking about the [expletive] Cubs."

B. will miss out on a season of games with his buddies as well as the intangible effects of gifting tickets to his colleagues and friends. But the greatest indignity will come when the Cubs make the playoffs and he's forced to pay market rates, thus, off-setting any financial aspects of his frugality.

Furthermore, B. has lost his rights to subsequent years as his roster spot was filled by a recently repatriated Chicagoan and fervent Cubs fan. John H., who only recently returned from San Francisco, is expected to regain his midseason drinking form by the end of April.

"I immediately jumped at the chance to drink on a Tuesday afternoon," slurred an incoherent H. sitting in Lincoln Town Gyros at 3:00 in the morning. "Gonna eat those cheese fries, man?"

H. has been on a strict alcohol imbibing regimen during spring training to ready himself for the 81-game season afforded by the tickets. Indeed, it will mark something of a homecoming for H. as his first liver was enlarged at the friendly confines some years ago.

Meanwhile, B. will be at home watching the games on his brand new plasma television that cost more than his portion of the season tickets would have in the first place.

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Thursday, March 23

Man Installs ATM in Living Room

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- A Chicago man has pierced the last bastion untainted with automatic teller machines: the home.

Luke Penca, of Wicker Park, and his friends were always stopping at an ATM before heading out for the night on the town. But when the time and energy of that additional stop had gotten to be too much, Penca took matters into his own hands.

"It's right next to the front door of my place," said a proud Penca. "Saves me the inevitable detour and all the trouble associated with getting cash. Plus I'm making money off my buddies through a surcharge on withdrawals."

In keeping with the prevailing local custom, the ATM located in his Milwaukee Avenue apartment only dispenses $20 bills, better known as "yuppie food stamps".

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Saturday, March 18

'Loose Change' Between Couch Cushions



CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- It's official: I'm a full-blown crackpot, nutjob and conspiracy theorist now. This "Loose Change" movie has been swirling around the Internet lately and it's pretty easy to tell why: "Change" conjectures that the American government carried out the September 11th attacks on itself.

Whoa! How's that again? No, no, no ... it's unimaginable to think that a government would self-inflict such a wound, right? Ummm, no, not really: see the Reichstag Fire that swept the Nazis into power in 1933. What's the adage I'm looking for here? "Those who don't remember history are doomed to repeat it." Yes, that'll do just fine.

Please watch the movie and let me know what you think. The official site can be found at: http://www.loosechange911.com.

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Buzzerbeater Sinks Hawkeyes, Sobriety

CHICAGO (SNARKY) – My beloved Iowa Hawkeyes were upset on a last second three-point shot. I immediately felt as though I had been shot. I ordered a Jager shot. Oh, and did I mention that it was just past noon on St. Patrick's Day?

Emails, text messages and voicemails went unheeded the rest of the day as I, awash in an ocean of anguish, submitted to the salve of drunkenness and let it wash me clean.

I awoke this morning with the all-too-common refrain, "I've got to make some changes in my life."

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Wednesday, March 15

Razor Accident Claims Beard, 'Stache Clings To Life

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- In a freak quintuple blade accident, a Chicago beard's life was cut short, figuratively and literally.

Luke Penca, 30, was trimming the underside of his beard when he lost control of the unwieldy five-bladed Fusion razor, manufactured by Gillette. The tragic slip caused massive hair disfigurement claiming the brief but promising beard's life.

"It's this fucking Fusion, the damn thing is 'ginormous'. I'm lucky I didn't lose an eyebrow," said a tearful Penca. "Why, oh why, are there so many blades? It's too much."

Penca tried valiantly to save the beard entertaining several different looks including mutton chops and a goatee but in the end was unable to resuscitate it. Through Herculean efforts though he was able to amputate the beard to produce a fledgling moustache that is barely clinging to life.

"It's too blonde, it doesn't show up in daylight," said Penca. "I might have to surreptitiously buy some Grecian Formula to help see it through these early days."

A memorial service for the beard is planned.

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Tuesday, March 14

Pal Pissed-Off About Personal Post Paucity

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- A Chicago man's web log has upset another one of his friends. Again.

However, this time is different; instead of a friend getting angry over something that was written, the author now has to deal with the ramifications of when something has not been said.

Luke Penca writes the insanely popular "Lukateake" blog which examines his life's minutiae. He also regularly casts his friends into the fray through preposterous quotes which he falsely attributes to them.

Unfortunately, these references have not been equitable according to Thomas S., who like every other friend of Penca's also has a nickname, in this particular case, "Cott".

"I've known the guy for more than six years and I can't even get a [expletive] courtesy reference somewhere in the first 60 posts? Good Lord, who do I have to kill around here to get some damn publicity?"

Furthermore, the two friends have plenty of shared experiences and opportunities in which to draw upon from softball to socializing to the Iowa Hawkeyes.

"Cott is just quiet on the email threads, sort of laying in the weeds," said Penca. "While I might send out dozens of messages that amount nothing more than drivel, he'll save it up for one perfectly timed quip. My quantity versus his quality, I guess."

Being quoted on Lukateake does have it's drawbacks though.

"I just know he's going to fake some [expletive] expletives in my pulled quotes," said S. "And I don't even drop the word [expletive] that much really."

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Heart Attack Downgraded to Pneumonia

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- A Chicago man's perceived heart attack was downgraded to pneumonia following a visit to his doctor.

Luke Penca, 30, had been complaining of chest pains since late last week when he finally sought medical advice this morning. As it turned out his walking pneumonia, while not as sexy as the heart attack he had hoped it was, can be just as lethal when left untreated.

"I've been burning the candle at both ends and everyone at work is sick as well," said a weary and contagious Penca. "Furthermore, our cheap sick-day policy doesn't help because it encourages the bedridden to drag themselves into the office."

Penca has always been overly concerned about his health even during childhood.

"My brother's a hypochondriac because he was always complaining about some ailment or another," said older sibling Michael. "I think he just want to wow us with his medical knowledge but we knew better. For example, at one point when he was 10, he claimed he needed a hysterectomy."

Doctors expect Penca to recover from his pneumonia in a few days. However, the heart attack possibility still remains unless he takes dramatic steps to remove stressors from his lifestyle.

"Starting this weekend, we'll be in full-swing March Madness and that dovetails right into the start of the Cubs season," said Penca, devouring a Whopper from Burger King.

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Friday, March 10

Karma Doles Man His 'Just Deserts'

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- A Chicago man and his blog have been duped. Again.

Luke Penca, the author of "Lukateake", failed to grasp the whole picture when he bit on Ms. X's brilliant opening move yesterday. In his haste to blog the episode, he outplayed himself to the delight of X.

"I achieved much more than what I set out to do," said a confident X. "Instead of a simple email response or even a single 'reply all' to the group, I got a dozen messages and a goddamn blog post! Who's the 'hotness' now, bitches?"

Penca's snarky blog post about the incident offset the karmic equilibrium of the universe, building up a debt that would ultimately have to be paid back. His cock-sure announcement of the post set off an avalanche of emails with many coming to the defense of X. Moreover, the silence from some recipients was damning of his rashness.

In turn, this spotlight on X. was exactly what she wanted originally and reinforced her belief that all men are predictable in every way.

"I got worked and she knows it," said a contrite Penca. "This is my just deserts."

However, Penca cautioned X. to not be too confident of herself because "karma is a fickle mistress."

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Thursday, March 9

Cold Shouldered 'Hotness'

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- A Chicago woman was abruptly excoriated today when she miscalculated her sex appeal while asking a group of her male friends a simple question.

With the group planning to meet at Sedgwick's the following day for the Big Ten tournament, Ms. X. sent what she thought was a benign email that read in its entirety, "where is sedgwicks?"

However, certain individuals who received the message felt X.'s question was a breach of email etiquette.

Immediate email responses intimated that she could find the information for herself, directing her to a search engine or other online resources. One terse response simply read, "On Sedgwick," referring to the street on which the appropriately-named bar can be found.

Recipient Andy H. was incredulous at the posed question saying, "Seriously, look it up. I did offer her Google.com in my response but I didn't go as far to make it a hyperlink. I'm friggin' 'Crafty' and I don't do shit like that."

Additionally, the distinction was made that only those who are utterly gorgeous can blithely ask such easily-answered questions.

"She's no Angelina [Jolie] so she can't pull a bullshit maneuver like that," said Luke Penca, an acquaintance who also received the email. "X. can look it up just like the rest of us because she's not the 'hotness'."

X. doubts Penca's assessment of her appeal, however.

"One of his friends made out with me just last week," exclaimed X. "So something of mine must be working right."

To which Penca responded, "Yes, I do have to give X. some credit I suppose; she's got some undercover titties."

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Wednesday, March 8

iTunes 6.0.4...3.14159 Released

PALO ALTO, Calif. (SNARKY) -- Fresh off their billionth download, Apple has made available what geeks call a "point release" of their popular iTunes software. A point release is usually a bug fix for some of the features and results in a numeric change after the decimal point. Unfortunately, this is about the 93rd time Apple has done so in the last month it seems.

I suppose I could live with all these incremental changes if there was an automatic upgrade but why do I have to download the whole 35 Mb each time? Then I have to run through a separate installation process that is tedious and bland while my computer spins.

It all seems like a tremendous waste of time and bandwidth. And if you've been reading Lukateake lately, you know that I could use a little more time and bandwidth.

Anyway, the word on the street is that these upgrades from Apple have to be done in order to thwart those would-be hackers who want to circumvent iTunes' embedded D.R.M., a violation of the D.M.C.A. Those fancy acronyms mean that you can only use your purchased iTunes and other digital content only for certain purposes that the company specifically allows.

Music revolution, my ass, it's more like consumer subjugation.

In a related development, New York State Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, (Jesus, who isn't that guy suing these days? Political ambitions, anyone?) believes that the major record labels illegally colluded during last year's negotiations with Apple. Goodbye, flat 99-cent pricing! The next Top 40 tripe from Hollywood could wind up costing you a lot more.

Spitzer is investigating one of my favorite words: payola. It's just fun to say and reminds me of peyote (but that's a blog for another day).

Oh, now I've gone too far. I should be served a subpoena in three... two... one.

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Oil, Social Security Equals Reader Boredom

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Can the news media pick something else to yammer away on, please? I am tired of reading about high oil prices and the under funded social security system.

There are more important issues being left off the broadsheets because these two issues dominate the headlines. What's really galling to me is that these two items can be solved rather easily anyway.

Oil: I keep reading about how a litany of factors from "peak oil" to political insecurity and terrorism has driven up the price of a barrel of oil with little hope of a price correction ever again. A simple way to solve this is to give every American an S.U.V. and mandate that they drive 400 miles per week. That would be about a barrel per person per week.

Under that plan, we'll run out of oil so quickly that we can leave the Middle East in less than a generation, which is nice because they don't want us there in the first place. And, being the Americans we are, we'll adapt because we always have before. I'm holding out for that hover car George Jetson promised some forty years ago.

Social Security: If I read about one more Baby Boomer retiring and the burden he'll place on the already taxed system, I'm going to wring some editor's neck. Jesus, is this really news to anyone anymore?

We've been reading about it for decades now and there's a simple solution to this pseudo-problem! Have some damn children already and ensure the next generation of workers to pay for your retirement. Under my intellectually-sound plan, you'll already own a vehicle large enough to transport around the dozen little scamps it will take to fund your retirement.

Incidentally, Catholicism would be a nice start here because of its anachronistic approach birth control but that wacky religion is a story for another day.

So these two problems can be solved using my radical platform of common sense. Now can we get back to something really important like the Oscars, Hollywood's navel-gazing love fest it throws for itself every year?

What, I missed the show already? I didn't see an Oscar story anywhere because of the aforementioned reasons. Damn you, Chicago Tribune!

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Killing Tom Skilling

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- As a weatherman here in Chicago with its notoriously unpredictable climate, Tom Skilling expects to take his lumps along the way. That is, of course, assuming that he possesses the mental fortitude to be so circumspect. Judging from that dopey smile and his "aw shucks" demeanor though, I'm not so sure about that.

His forecasts are foolishly optimistic and I take them with a grain of salt while typically wishing him great bodily harm. Especially now that he's ruined two of my suede jackets with his off-the-mark precipitation guesses, err, I mean predictions.

As the chief meteorologist at WGN and a tie in over at the Tribune, Skilling is one of the best known weathermen in the land, David Letterman notwithstanding. But his gaffes and buffoonery are wearing a little thin; thinner than that head of hair of his.

That's why I celebrate the trial of his brother, Jeffrey Skilling. Yes, that Jeffrey, the one of Enron fame because it sullies Tom even more. As if the unctuousness of his brother has washed over the weatherman like an oily rain.

I've just had an epiphany: I need Tom Skilling in my life. I need an antagonist to set myself against; someone pseudo-real but not real real, someone omnipresent but in a negative sense; someone who is my complete opposite, so different from me that he causes friction, my foil.

And that's why I continue to check his forecasts everyday.

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Hepatitis-N-Soda

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Tanqueray and tonic please, barkeep. And for God's sake, hold the fruit, you damn dirty ape!

Goodbye, limes. Goodbye, lemons. Goodbye, maraschino cherries and that stupid trick weird people's tongues do with the stem. Goodbye, bleu cheese-stuffed olives, I'll miss you most of all. And goodbye to Hepatitis A, B and C.

My roommate, Chris T., is absolutely convinced that hepatitis can be contracted through a drink at a bar. More precisely, through the handled accoutrements floating in that watered-down booze I'm spending $7 a cocktail on.

T., a.k.a. Theo, theorizes that the bar staff probably gets under their own skin when chopping up the various cocktail insundries-- lemons, limes, etc. And when they do cut themselves, they don't throw away the food and don't clean the knives properly.

And since I'm borderline O.C.D. just for giggles, T.'s irrational issue has become my issue as well. It's like that old "step on a crack, break your momma's back" sidewalk game from childhood -- I don't put much stock in the threatened cause-and-effect but, nevertheless, I acquiesce all the same.

To this day, my mother has neither a broken back nor hepatitis. That's good news since the most common transmission of the disease is gestational, e.g. mother to her unborn child.

Now if only I could infect others with my obsessive compulsions, oh wait, you're already reading Lukateake.

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Monday, March 6

Decade-Long Comb Drought Ends

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- I finally broke down today and bought a comb. I haven't used one in at least 10 years. It's not because I'm a hippie or unkempt nor because I lack hair from male pattern baldness, which are in my opinion the three most devastating words for a man to ever hear.

No, since college I have applied hair product by hand and, while some may think my approach is crude, it has always been a meticulously styled coif. And I mean meticulous in every sense of the word.

I could get by with this "hands on" approach because I always wore my hair cropped pretty short. Like most men, I've had the same basic hair style as long as I can remember. Sure there were minor deviations such as the bowl cut when I was three and living on a farm 20 miles from the nearest stylist or the now-infamous fauxhawk that weird summer of 2001. Excluding those, I've had the same predominant look my entire life.

But six months ago I stopped cutting my hair altogether and it's length and sheer volume are beyond the puny styling capabilities of my hands now. And that inadequacy sent me into Bath & Body Works today.

The last decade has not been kind to comb prices! A piece of molded plastic should not cost $33, even if it has been imported from France. That amount seems excessive to me and the comb will have no value when I inevitably return to short hair. Hell, even the lead singer of Flock of Seagulls would have a hard time of getting his money's worth at that price.

I rationalize it that it can also help comb my Jesus beard for now. At least until I shave all my hair off in a scene reminiscent of a heroin-induced Bob Geldof at the bathroom sink in "Pink Floyd The Wall".

But even that will still be less painful than that time I waxed my chest.

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Saturday, March 4

Outfit Goes Horribly Wrong

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- A Chicago man has embarrassed himself yet again, this time thanks to his turquoise velvet jacket, t-shirt, cowboy boots and belt buckle.

Luke Penca, 30, wore the outfit to dinner at Nacional 27 on Friday night and the ostentatious pairing painted him as a style train wreck.

"Pick a cliché and stick with it for chrissakes!" said a flummoxed dinner guest who asked not to be named. "It wouldn't surprise me if he has a beat up cowboy hat and a cashmere turtleneck combo in his closet."

Penca admits the fashion faux pas and vows to adjust his style next time.

"The ensemble was just too much because I was meeting most of them for the first time," said Penca, wearing only a towel standing before his expansive closet. "And this Kenny Loggins beard of mine can put people on edge as well. As a first impression, it's all just too overwhelming."

Penca's friend Steve M. was the evening's host and had graciously arranged dinner at the restaurant owned by his uncle. As such, M. invited an eclectic group of friends including Penca to dine with him.

"He's usually an interesting guest with moderately insightful commentary but, good Lord, that outfit just took on a life of it's own," said M. "And being a Texan, the boots and garish buckle were offensive to me. I wanted to kick his ass, frankly."

The poor garb also has other potential ramifications and undesired consequences.

Cautioned M., "If he's not careful with an outfit like that, he'll wind up fucking 'sixes' ... or worse."

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Friday, March 3

Vietnamese Inconsolable At Nguyen's Retirement

IRVING, Texas (SNARKY) -- Two Chicago men were distraught to hear the news of Dallas Cowboy linebacker Dat Nguyen's retirement.

Brothers Zoom and Ve B. looked up to Nguyen because he was, in their words, "a bad ass dude who patrolled the gridiron like few before him."

As the only Vietnamese player in the NFL, Nguyen was a role model to the Bui brothers whose family fled the war-torn country in 1975.

"I guess I'll have to follow the [Cleveland] Indians now because they've got Danny Graves," said Zoom B., who also goes by Cheeseburger. "I didn't even know he was Vietnamese until my friends pointed it out."

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Thursday, March 2

Pimpin' Ain't Easy, Hoin' Far Worse

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Big Daddy Kane was right, "pimpin' ain't easy" but it sure wasn't a cakewalk for the ho either. While a local area pimp was arraigned today, his prostitute was being buried.

Kristi Hoenig, 21, (coincidental surname?) was found stabbed to death over the weekend in suburban Addision.

More at the Chicago Tribune.

My note-to-self from the article: there's an escort service that dabbles in the flesh trade? I'm shocked, Triple E Enterprises, shocked!

We'll go out with Kane's infectious chorus:

Anything goes when it comes to hoes, they go:
Pimpin' ain't easy (Pimpin' ain't eeeeeee-zyyyyyy)


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Lukateake Won't Cry Over TheOnion

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Those bastards over at "TheOnion" aren't holding up their end of the bargain according to Lukateake. The two parties' accord was that New York-based "TheOnion" would release their satire only on Wednesdays, while Lukateake had the rest of the week for his ruminations.

However, "America's Finest News Source" just announced that they're moving to a daily distribution and, thus, encroaching on Lukateake's turf.

"This means war, [expletive] … a wit war," said Lukateake, the alter ego of Luke Penca, a schizophrenic Chicago man.

"If Lukateake wants to survive in this world, he'll need to have an antagonist to channel his energy against. 'TheOnion' could provide that" said Joseph Campbell, the deceased author of the seminal book "The Hero with a Thousand Faces."

Added the deluded Lukateake, "Goodbye, job and social life, the usurpation of 'TheOnion' is my newest quest. Could the reader please point me in the direction of the nearest windmill?"

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Caffeine Consumption, Blog Returns

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Following an unsuccessful Lenten experiment, Luke Penca has resumed drinking caffeine and posting to his blog "Lukateake".

"Every year during Lent, I try to abstain from something and I always fail immediately. But this time I'm proud to say that I lasted a whole day before crumbling," said an antsy Penca, sitting in his local Starbucks.

Coinciding with his return to caffeine, Penca is blogging, the contraction of "web logging," again.

"I just wasn't funny because I couldn't get through the searing headaches and sleeping for 12 hours a night really cut into my productivity," said Penca. "I've decided to take Voltaire's route," referring to the famous French writer who is rumored to slept only about two hours a night because of his copious coffee consumption.

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Wednesday, March 1

Katrina Bares Teeth, Tits

NEW ORLEANS (SNARKY) -- Look out Ninth Ward, someone has stolen your headlines. After a five-month run in the public consciousness, the devastated neighborhood was supplanted by the drunken revelry of the French Quarter.

Mardi Gras, translated from French as "Fat Tuesday", is ceremonial day of celebration and over-indulgence before Lent begins today. So much like the sparrows returning to Capistrano, frat boys and loose women from all over the country have descended upon New Orleans for their annual rite of spring.

The petrid offal of toxic sludge and water that ran through these streets last fall after the levees broke has been replaced by a petrid offal of vomit and urine of drunks. But this time there are beads. And some boobies.

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