Uncle Frets Candid Conversation With Nephews

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- His nails are bitten down to nothing. His stomach is twisted into knots. And, with apologies to Andrew Bird's excellent "Mysterious Production of Eggs" album, he's developed a "nervous tick motion of the head to the left."

When it comes to conversation, Chicago raconteur Luke Penca, conservatively considers himself a savant; a real natural who lets the conversation just come to him without effort. However, Penca didn't prepare this much for a speech when he met the President (of a local Chamber of Commerce). He didn't prepare this extensively for million-dollar presentations to top Fortune 500 executives.

So just what has got Penca's proverbial pontification panties in a bunch?

"My nephews need to learn about sex and drugs. Thankfully, the rock-and-roll will be handled by Lollapalooza," said a stressed-out Penca.

"Today's teenagers are a tough audience to get through to thanks to their Playstation-induced A.D.D. I know that these conversations are always uncomfortable for the kids but, Jesus, I didn't realize how tough it would be for me personally."

When his sister Katherine first presented the idea, Penca jumped at the opportunity to impart his wisdom on his nephews, Aaron C., 16 and Kameron C., 14.

"She and her husband have already covered the conversation's tenets in detail. So I figured I could just transact on my 'Cool Uncle' currency," he recounted. "In my mind, I planned for them to sit in rapt attention as they listened to my cautionary tale. My words would soundly reinforce messages their parents had already framed in their young, malleable minds.

"But now as the inevitable conversation draws closer to me now, I begin to fully appreciate the situation's gravity. I love these kids, and all of my nieces and nephews for that matter, so much that I don't want them to make the same mistakes that I did."

Friends and family know that Penca will pull it together at the last minute.

"He's profane and profound at the same time," said Lukateake, Penca's alter ego with a dubious track record of disappearing for weeks on end.

"I fully expect him to deliver on the salient points, e.g. engaging in safe sex, abstaining from drinking alcohol and forgoing recreational drug use. Now if only we could get him on-board with those 'clean living' things... on second thought, maybe we shouldn't because I don't know if I would I exist anymore?"

Added a humbled Penca just before going on stage, "Even if I bomb, it's going to be memorable and, perhaps, that act itself will serve as a warning to my nephews."

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