Email Etiquette Schmetiquette

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Since I was bored at work today, I thought I'd update my email signature. You know, that piece of text of the end of our messages that injects a little of our individual panache into the creative desert that is corporate email.

It's no surprise to longtime readers of my daily drivel, that I like to "sign" my name with not one, not two, not three, not four, but five-count-'em-five periods. My reasoning is that an ellipsis is good and that an ellipsis ending a sentence (with another period) is better. Therefore, five must be even greater, eclipsing all those that came before.

What about six, you say. C'mon, don't be silly and ridiculous... that would be showy and superfluous.

I've signed my name like this for years on every business and personal message that I send. Well, except for one email. I once signed a break-up communiqué to an ex-girlfriend simlpy as "Luke." (For clarification, the one period quoted was in the message as well. Yes, I know that I picked a bad spot to end that sentence at and, thus, undercut my illustrative example.)

Immediately after the "Luke." line (yes, that's better), I jumped into postscript to call my ex-girlfriend's attention to the single period. I went onto say something to the effect of "no extra periods[...] nothing more to come later[...] this is it[...] it's over." We had make-up sex three days later but that's a story for another day.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so I'm updating my signature file and I started reading the legal disclaimer that I'm forced to append to all my work messages. Our confidentiality notice is standard boilerplate legalese that is completely unenforceable. It uses such venomous acronyms as "ASAP" and such incisive invective as "please."

Christ, who's our general counsel, Winnie the Pooh?

And that's just the confidentiality notice. There is another floating around several message threads both personal and otherwise, the infamous I.R.S. Circular 230 concerning tax advice.

Jesus, I wouldn't ask some of these people for dining suggestions let alone fucking tax advice. Furthermore, they don't even engage in tax planning activities. They're goddamn project managers at technology companies!

For them, attaching the 230 to their signature is akin to proudly wearing battle ribbons for a conflict of which they weren't a participant. It smacks of "Look at me!" (Note, I use a blog for this self-gratification.)

And don't even get me started on the self-righteous bastards who deliberately don't change the default: "Sent from my Blackberry Wireless Handheld." Pricks.

Luke.....

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