[Interior of speeding RV, Jodi in supine position clearly pregnant and in labor. Zoom, her husband, is next to her trying to help. Friends Kevin and Luke stand aside somewhat confounded but ready to assist in any way. Hank is driving erratically]
Zoom: Hold on, honey, we're almost to the hospital.
Jodi: (between Lamaze breaths and sweating) I'm not going to deliver my baby in a goddamn recreational vehicle in the middle of f*ckin' nowhere.
Zoom: It's not 'nowhere', honey. It's Iowa.
Jodi: There are f*ckin' cornfields on the f*ckin' left and f*ckin' cornfields on the f*ckin' right! We're f*ckin' nooooowhere, okay!
Zoom: It'll be okay, hon, We're almost there. Iowa City is just over this hill... See?
[RV crests hill only to be engulfed in more endless corn. Jodi glares at him]
Jodi: Face it, Zoom, we're lost. Oh, this is not how I imagined we would bring a baby into this world.
[Jodi has another contraction]
Kevin: (reading his watch) They're getting closer.
Luke: What?
Kevin: The contractions. (holding watch up) See they're only three minutes apart.
Luke: (to Kevin) Man, that baby's imminent. (louder) Hank, where are we?
Hank: (from the front seat) Dude, we're getting close! Oh man, when we get there it's gonna be like salvation. Mark my words: salvation.
[Confused, Kevin and Luke look at one another]
Jodi: (to no one in particular) Why God? Why? All I want to do is have this baby. IN A F*CKING HOSPITAL! WITH GODDAMN DOCTORS AROUND! (begins to cry) And here I am in the most surreal set of circumstances: lost in the middle of Iowa, driving down a dusty road in a rented RV navigated by an idiot during the hottest f*ckin' week of the year. Why? Why me? ... I could have stayed home. I could have had my family with me. (directing her anger to Zoom now) But, nooooo, you had to go ride RAGBRAI with your friends. "Come along, it'll be fun," you said. "We'll have a great time," you said. (coldly, setting the dagger) Well, Zoom, I am not having a great time.
Zoom: (trying to reassure her) It'll be okay, dear.
Hank: We're here!
[Jubilation erupts, Zoom, Kevin and Luke ready Jodi to the RV door, it swings open and ... instead of a hospital emergency room entrance, they are staring at Panchero's, a burrito joint.]
Jodi: Oh my God!
[The sound of Jodi's water breaking]
Luke: (to Kevin) I don't think Zoom's getting his RV deposit back.
[Fade out]
Technorati: Iowa, Satire, Humor, Chicago, Snarky, Lukateake
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