A Cautionary Tale

CHICAGO (SNARKY) -- Listen up, kiddies, for I have been down this road already.

You're young, full of life, minimally scarred and supposedly "the future." (I dispute that because "the future" is really hydrogen and not our iDeaf generation.)

You've got the world by the short hairs and you want to make a difference. The best way that you see how is the patented three-point plan:

1.) Start a blog.
2.) ???
3.) Profit.

Let me tell you something, sonny boy, no one (and I mean no one!) gives two shits about the rambling nonsensical web logs of some pubescent teenager living in a cul-de-sac railing against their militaristic parents whose tyranny precludes you any outlet save the aforementioned blog.

Instead, people care about what a thirtysomething -- thank you, Ed Zwick, I just now truly understand your show of the same name a mere 15 years after it went of the air -- with a penchant for obscure words and unorthodox grammar sporadically espouses as fodder from his daily life.

Thirties are the new twenties and it's for real this time. Look at how I've grown over the years, I'm more fascinating now than ever! Hell, I just called up my order history at Amazon.com to verify this.

In 1997, my first purchase from the stratospheric-P/E online retailer was Don Delillo's "Underworld" a masterwork of fiction about a fucking baseball and the nuclear Cold War. The New York Times considered the book the second-best fictional work of the last 25 years. I didn't make it past 50 pages of the three-inch thick doorstop.

See, Luke 10-years ago, was an excruciatingly boring person.

But what, oh what, is in my Wish List these days over at the world's largest bookstore? You'll never guess.

Like I said, "I'm much more fascinating now than ever."

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